DEAR CAROL

how life turns out

2011-12-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

It has been a very bad two years now coming up in February. After my father died, I had two knee surgeries and then got really really sick. So sick in fact, that according to my doctor, my health will continue to go down hill and I should not be working anymore. I am on oxygen 24/7 now, my lungs fill up with liquid alot, my body is misshapened because of all the water. I have thought seriously about ending things, but I haven't hit my lowest yet, YET! My work is trying to push me out the door, though I am still completing all my work in a timely manner and doing a good job at it. I am going to lose everything I have been working for paying doctor bills.
I was at a whining party, okay I was the only one there, and decided to call my mom. I was so upset about all this crap and then to find something in my armpit on top of it all. Well, I called my mom and started whining to her wondering why this is happening to me, what did I do to cause all this? I have helped so many people in my life, hoping that it would make my entrance into heaven easier. But why does my life on earth have to be hell? So this is my last year and a half:
*lost my father
*moved
*had two knees surgeries in four months
*started getting sick (delirious, memory loss, coughing horribly, falling asleep everywhere...)
*city inspector decided that I need to tear down every building my father had put up 30 years ago
*house ended up with a nice view in the kitchen once the firemen had come to check out the smoldering walls
*told the house was not livable ever again
*homeless
*found another house
*trying to move everything from one house to another and I cannot help
*told I have congestive heart failure, restrictive lung disease, enlarged heart
*told I need to take an extended leave from work and get on disability
*being shuffled around from doctor to doctor--so far about 8 doctors

found out yesterday one of my former friends died 12-7-11 (a really, really bad day for me)I had known this lady for almost 40 years, but she did me wrong and I never spoke to her again.

and now I sit and wait-wait for what? the end? the beginning? sure wish it were 12/21/12.

TRIVIAL

2010-06-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

Very trivial.... Been waiting all week for son #3 to go to a stupid graduation party so he could bring me home a piece of the graduation cake... In my mind I envisioned, store bought goodness, moist cake, THICK, fluffy, frosting... What did I get???? Dry, homemade with totally shitty THIN dry ass frosting!!!!

TODAY I HATE PEOPLE...

2010-05-27T17:48:00.000-07:00

Just the mood I'm in today.. Started with going to the doc with #3 son, thru construction and half way out of my way only to boomerang back because son #3 didn't bring the ONE thing I asked him to remember, his medicine bottle so the doc could do the refill on it.. This would be his LIFE SAVING medication.. He can't remember the bottle but he can remember anything and everything that has to do with his "Flavor of the Month!" I'm so fed up with him and his drama involving his girlfriends and/or friends.. Every girl is THE one.. Every girl he is madly, deeply, passionately in love with, every girl he must have sex with!!! I have 2 grandsons already, I really don't need one from my 16 yr. old!!! More to the point, I DON'T WANT HIM RUINING HIS LIFE!!!!! - My head hurts just thinking about it...
I also managed to offend my new boyfriend/fiance's daughter... How you may ask???? Simply by asking her HOW THE SUMMER JOB HUNT was going!!!! She's 25 and never had a fucking job!!!!!! I started working, technically, at age 11, striping parking lots with my neighbor across the street who had a striping company, 11 yrs. old, pushing and riding on those machines just keeping the line straight, ELEVEN MOTHER FUCKING YEARS OLD!!!! I'm sorry if I thought MAYBE a TWENTY-FIVE YR. OLD MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!!!!! - So, she deleted me and her Dad off of her FB account but we weren't the only ones.. Apparently she also deleted her Mom and her Mom's boyfriend too.. She just needs a break from all things parental right now... Seems to me she's had a break from all things parental her whole life!!!! But who the fuck am I, what the fuck do I know???? - Again, my head hurts just thinking about it..
Unfortunately, my day has not been much better as I realize I can't make my bills.. I just can't, and every fucking time I turn around, something is higher, there's a new fee added... I'm just ready to be like my ex out in Alaska and live as a hermit, he has a house, he has vehicles, he shoots his own food, he doesn't work above board, he only has 3 bills.. I'm so with him.. Shows you what a shitty day I've had.. I'm actually agreeing with the son of a bitch who beat the fuck out of me and ran me over when I was 8 months pregnant...
Now I don't feel like talking to my boyfriend/fiance', not because of him... He is wonderful and kind and gentle.. He works, he has morals and values and truly is a man of honor... I just know me and talking right now would not be in the best interest of our relationship.. My mouth will open and the ugliness of the world that I'm feeling right now will come flying out and I don't want that directed at him. He's done nothing wrong..
In other news, it's fucking hot and I don't like hot.. Granted it's not in the 90's like it has been, actually it's cooled down into the 70's but I've been standing over hot dish water, a hot stove, hot cleaning water.. I laid down to take a nap and dosed for about 30 minutes...
And, am I the only fucking person in this whole house that knows how to do laundry or sweep a floor?????
I'm done now... I just want to sleep...
Luv - Your BFF
P.S. - What would I do without you?????

lost without LOST

2010-05-23T21:40:00.000-07:00

OMG! I just finished watching the series LOST. It lasted 6 years and made me cry many times over the years. Today's was much different, because it seemed like I couldn't quit crying. It helped that I started a marathon of watching all the LOST episodes that I have missed, meaning I had to watch 18 episodes in 2 days. It was well worth it to watch the finale and understand completely what was going on.

I feel like friends are gone never to return again. You become wrapped up with the characters and cheer and jeer them on through the seasons. With this last episode, it clearly showed that all the characters that were there, died and met in this place (at the end) where all of them could be together, because they had shared such a momenteous time in their lives together. They were happy to be together again, some meeting after many years of being apart.

WOW, the tears just keep rolling thinking about it. But it's good to cry, at least I am letting it out.

I am

2010-05-15T14:56:00.000-07:00

Throughout my marriage my ex used to call me a worthless human being. I tried standing up and saying that I was a good mother, I was a good person, I was a good friend, but I couldn't be a good wife, not to him. I wanted to be a wife, not a mother of a 30 year old. I shouldn't ever have to tell an adult to take a bath, when it had been weeks from the last one.

It took only a phone call to #3 daughter to make me feel like the worthless mother I didn't think I was. I am tired of trying to please people. I have given my kids the best of what I could. It may not have been up the their expectations, but it was the best I had. Apparently I gave birth to mosquitoes that need to suck me dry. Not monetarily, but emotionally.

It's hard sometimes to stand on the sidelines and watch as life just passes by, more swiftly than ever before. It's not that I want to have some spectacular life, but I wish things were just, more easy. To have my health back, would be worth more than winning the lottery. Of course if I won the lottery, I think I could get back much of my health with money being spent at the right doctors.

Being a worthless mother has made me see, that I am in fact, a worthless friend, and not a very nice person. To be a good person you must care about others and it is kinda hard for me to get out of my own world, to feel something about someone else.

So there you go, I am what I am.

blah, blah, blah

2010-05-12T17:46:00.000-07:00

I could go on and on about how crappy I feel, but what’s the point. Nothing has changed, so we will get out of the way. Work, too, is same old, same old. I am not happy that summer is here, because it just shows me how much I can’t do on my own. Pisses me off, but I have to say thank goodness for daughter #1, she has been a great helper. It was funny one day how she said she didn’t know what she would do without me, hahaha.

I was just a hair upset on mother’s day when I found out later in the afternoon, that daughter #3 was at the ex’s parent’s house. IT WAS MOTHER’S DAY FOR GOD’S SAKES! She didn't tell me she was going up there, she called once early in the morning and left a message on the phone for me, but that was it.Oh but I was livid. I actually confronted her today in regards to it. She told me she was upset about something else and I jumped her, telling her that what she did, by being with the ex's family, was paramount to me spending the day with the ex-boy toy she hated so much, on her birthday. She shut her mouth and didn’t say another word. Oh how the ex must have been gloating that she was there and not with me.

And then to kind of top it all, she drops off that dog that was so sick on Friday, she hasn’t been back to see it or take care of it. I have had to clean up diarrhea and vomit all over my house. It's not like I can bend over to clean up that great. Since the vet, though, he has gotten better, but that was a good couple of hundred out of my wallet. Now, #1 daughter has been over lots, especially when I am at work, to let him out, she helped take him to the vet, she has been there. Her boys love the dog, but he is a good dog, he actually talks to you too.

Sleep is almost nonexistent now. It’s getting harder and harder to sleep. And I am soooo dreading the hot weather that will be here coming this weekend. I have never been able to take naps during the day, now I can fall asleep at work during lunch, fairly easy. I even just gave in and took one of the many pillows my dad had here, to work.

The move will be here faster than I am ready for it. I am so not ready to get all that shit up here. I don’t want most of it, so I will really have to go thru the stuff.

Here’s a funny one, my mother showed up on mother’s day to help weed my yard, because I couldn’t do it. I was crying trying to pull weeds, I can’t get on the ground, I can’t bend over, I can’t squat, it sucks!!!

Well, enough whining from the fat chick…gonna go.

Your BBF

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY A.K.A. THANX BITCH! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

2010-05-04T13:43:00.000-07:00

So today would've been my 18th wedding anniversary to the guy my best friend Carol introduced me to one late night at a dark n' dusty bar, location to be disclosed only as in, "the wild, wild, west." And what a "wild" ride it was, thanx bitch! And actually I do mean that, thank you.. I can't even imagine where my life would've gone, what I would be doing now, the people I wouldn't have met, the children I wouldn't have had!!! An unbelievable ride and altho I'm sure they're must've been some darkened alley ways along this path, I remember them not.. I only remember the sun shining so brightly, children near, friends so dear.. Why else would I be here??? I love you my BFF and forever will.

Reality check - I'm sick, go to the doc tomorrow, probably strep, ugh! My new boyfriend is tryng to pinpoint a time to see me and I get it but I'm not ready just yet and have no idea when I will be, perhaps after tomorrow, don't care about my weight, that why they make spanx but I'd like to get my teeth worked on..

I love you.. I feel like shit, we're shitty bloggers but we like it that way and everyone else can fuck off.. Not that we have any followers.. That may be another post... What the fuck peeps? We're not good enough to follow? Fuck y'all's! Oooppss... Too ghetto... Hahahahahhahahaha!

my thoughts be jumbled, my words be true

2010-04-03T18:45:00.000-07:00

   How is it that some people are so forgiving, so godlike, and then others feel the hatred deep within their bones, from the core of their being? How is it that you can turn the cheek if someone does you wrong, when there is that place within that just wishes to retaliate? I cannot turn a check to things, my check seems to snap back, my eyes glaring even more intensely than they might have moments ago. I feel the need to make things "even", to make myself feel better about putting that person in their place.
   Oh how I hate liars! These are the people I truly wish to put in their place. They are the thieves of the truth, the murderers of what is right. To lie, to make themselves feel better--for what purpose? I truly do not understand the genetics, the why, the how-so of liars. Does it make one more respected to lie? Does it somehow ease suffering to lie? In what land, do liars wish to live? What person do liars achieve to be? It is not so much who they wish to be, but why they are hiding from themselves.
   There are so many people in the world who do wrong, knowingly. But how can we, as a people, as a people who can make change, a people that care for the suffering of others, how can we come together as one and stop the madness that surrounds us?
   I read news articles and wonder why?! Why did a 7 year old get sold by her step sister to be gang raped? Why do people prey on young children daily? Where is the strength of mind to know how horribly wrong the world is?
One person can stand and say "This is wrong!", but that one person's voice is muted by the yelling of others asking for their rights, for equality, asking for something I had nothing to do with, but expect me and mine to pay for somehow. I feel the world heading for hell like place, forcing God to act. And maybe if God can take the wickedness, we can be a kinder, worthy people.

Spew forth random thoughts

2010-03-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

   Sometimes the words seem to just clog my throat, cutting off the air to my brain, thus making writing totally out of the question. And yes February was such a month. Dying, moving, not knowing what is coming next. In the process of moving, now that was difficult, whereas before I only paid for phone, internet, satellite, car insurance, now I pay for rent, gas, electricity, new car, phone, internet, car insurance. I can't afford the satellite, but I am kind of loving the over the air high definition. AND I now have to pay for the gas to go back and forth to work, whereas before I lived right there by work. The things we give up to try to make it better for us. I will not be out of the first house until July, thus giving daughter #3 some time to be by herself. Which may be a good thing as we seem to be rubbing each other the wrong way lately.
   I feel like such a cripple as of late, I can't even do dishes without having to sit down on a chair at the sink to do them. Therefore, moving things in and out of the houses is next to impossible. I can't wait to get new knees, something I have been fighting for years to get. I think with the new knees, my life will become so much more independent and independence is what I crave for. I hate having to rely on other people.
   There was an insurance policy that I found and after talking it over with some people, it looks like it could be a pretty good amount of money. It will be in mother's name, but since talking with my sister and her brilliant idea of using that money to take a family vacation, I think mother will put it in a pool. She was willing to give it to the kids, but I do like the vacation idea. My problem, if I don't have the knees, I won't have the energy or will power to go do anything that requires any walking. AND, like I told my sister, I just am not giving up my fingerprints to big brother, so there will be no passport, thus no out of states vacation. But I want to keep the money in the states anyways. That is one of the reasons that I bought Ford, I am pro America.
   Well, the spewing of thoughts has ran out for now, so will say TTFN.
Your BBB

BEEN OVER A MONTH.. WHATEVER SHALL I POST?

2010-03-26T03:06:00.000-07:00

February, was to be sure, a month of sorrow and sadness and I wish not to put it behind me but to carry it in my heart forever as I carry Jan. 07' in my heart forever... In my heart our Dad's are healthy and happy and all of the love they disguised or was buried under a life of "have to" or a life of coulda', shoulda', woulda', or even a life of, this is what I so choose, this pure love, this God given love, this life, their love, their lives will be with me always. A source of strength, understanding and wisdom at our beck and call, we are the fortunate ones to have had these men in our lives and so with the sorrow and sadness and pain comes love and smiles of what was, what might have been, what now is and the occassional selfish tear that slides down our cheeks is forgiven.. We, you and I, despite what we thought growing up, were blessed with the exact Daddy's that we needed and for that, I am thankful and will be forever grateful.

March.. Still snowing here, how 'bout there? Two oldest children still workin' their butts off. Daughter starts U of M, Flint this Fall, very excited for her and very proud. Oldest boy is "in love" again... And again.. And again... Boy child 2 is workin' like the dickens to find a job even to the point of volunteering his services to help set up a new clothing store in town, all the while proving to the manager - his soon to be boss - what a hard worker he is, dependable and all around nice guy. Boy child 2 has also been continuing his trips to the local gym and he is is lookin' might fine. It appears as tho the weight is just falling off of him, his face has cleared up, he has totally changed his eating habits and I couldn't be more proud. Boy child 3 is studying for the ACT's. His college of choice. BSU! Now you know I can't just let my baby go off 2,000 miles all by himself... ; )

My whine for the week. - I hurt my back. I have no idea how. I woke up one morning and I was in excruciating pain, still am, despite my lame attempt at making some kind of pain killing cocktail out of valium and tramadol... Clearly it didn't work and thank God... Heath Ledger - God rest his soul - is not who I choose to be...

My ex-boss Tina called me a couple of days ago, HYSTERICAL.. I could barely understand her... She had come back from the dr.'s and she has cancer... She had pollups on her throat and I guess they did a biopsy right then and there and told her immediately that she has cancer. I had to stay in the hospital forever and a year - okay, 4 days - while they biopsied me and poked n' prodded every oravice in my body to the point that I was charging tour fees! Who knew you could get an answer in one day! In any event, my friend has cancer and being a cancer patient myself I of course have not a clue as to what to do for her, primarily I think because I just wanted to be left alone... I never got hysterical once, not once.. I remember being eerily calm throughout the beginning stages and then just sicker than a dog throughout the rest and now all of my complaints of the side effects and it coming back but it's so weird to me how it affects different people in different ways.. She wanted me to tell her that it would be okay and I couldn't.. I don't have enough info. so instead I told her everything no one else was going to tell her, like she will be hanging onto her toilet more than she's ever hung onto any man in her life, her bed will become her home, the phone, the kids, family and friends, everyone is going to annoy the shit out of her at some point. Most days she won't want to get out of bed but she must and she'll be under the total misconception that she can still do all that she used to do, she won't. I told her that if chemo were needed to just go ahead and shave her head and save herself the devastation of having it come out in her hands in the shower or getting up from her pillow and leaving half of her hair behind, just shave it off. For whatever reason, we women are attached to our hair to some degree, I believe it defines us as women, again, to some degree and to feel it, see it, all coming out.. I did cry for days and then I bucked up and had my nephew Garrett just do the deed. Of course clumps of hair came out in his hands and he was horrified but being my nephew, he carried on and shaved me bald and then we took pictures. He and I have the same shaped head. I should put that picture on Ancestry.com.

My boy from h.s. and I are totally kaput and it's just too much bullshit to even go into here... This story will require a phone call.. What a total fucking waste... He has so much potential and 5 yrs. from now will be in the same place he is now... It's sad, it hurts, I miss him but it is not to be...

What's happening on your home front? You know we're being losers at our own blog. My ex-boss is blogging every day about her cancer... I think I wrote a total of 3 pages... I'm in the hospital, I think I have the flu. - No flu, they say it's COPD and they want to do a sleep study on me. - I have cancer...

Blog bitch!
Luv U!
BFF

I LOVE YOU...

2010-02-22T13:43:00.000-08:00

I love you so much and am so sad for you... I wish I were closer... I'm so sorry and I don't think I can ever say that enough. Your poem is beautiful... As are you.. And I know that your Dad is smiling, happy, healthy, looking down on you with pride in his soul for how blessed he was to have a daughter such as you in his life... You are a blessing to us all Carol.

I love you.

BFF

My Daddy's Hands

2010-02-21T08:59:00.000-08:00

Yours was a life, I was allowed to tend

Mine is the life that now must watch yours end.

Yours was the path, I could not follow

Mine is the path that now seems so hollow.

Yours is the love, I yearned for years

Mine is the love that now cries great tears.

You were my hero from such a young age

Sometimes gone from a home filled with rage.

I so craved to have you by my side

But when you did, I had to hide.

The demons that tracked you thru out your life

That caused such turmoil and caused such much strife.

To leave a family in search of peace

To shield you sorrow, beneath a turned leaf.

We just wanted to know who you were

A stranger to us you were like a blur.

To know you are gone, never to be seen

Only my hands, is all I have to lean.

For when I look down at my hands

I see the hands of a most important man.

I see my father, my hero from days gone old

My heart starts to warm coming from cold.

Our hands were like twins, when held together

And thru this life, these will keep us tethered.

Whenever I need comfort from you, my dad

I’ll look to my hands and forget to be sad.

I was sitting with my dad yesterday in the hospital, with the girls when I said to them, look at our hands, meaning mine and dad's. I had seen this once before, when I was with him at a doctor's appointment, but our hands look the same. So when the girls saw this, they were like wow. So last night while I was sitting here, I thought I have to put it in words before I forget, as my mind is not much good for remembering.

love you

BBB

HEARTBROKEN FOR MY BEST FRIEND CAROL...

2010-02-20T03:06:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
I am so heartbroken for you I cannot even put it into words... I know how long it took you to get to this place with your Dad and to finally be in the moment of loving him, liking him, enjoying your time with him and yet watching as he slowly and painfully leaves this world... Yours is a pain no human being should ever have to go thru... My heart is breaking for you my best friend of so many, many years... And I too stand helpless...

I love you so much. I will be praying without ceasing for your Dad, you and your girls.. And I will be asking God to please let me carry this heartache for you...

For you, my dear sweet friend... I love you...

Your BFF

death at the door step

2010-02-18T19:03:00.001-08:00

My dad is dying and I feel helpless. He is in acute liver failure and his mind is going. He went into the hospital on Valentine’s Day. Many years ago I asked him to work on an old Datsun car I own. He cussed up one side and down the other, because there were more than Datsun parts in the car; there was ford and vw and other Japanese cars, so he was very upset. The next day he had a heart attack. I never asked him for a favor after that, until last week. I got the new car, he came to see it, he actually sat in the car before I did. After he left he started feeling sick and came down with pneumonia. So maybe I carry a curse, because I don’t feel like he is pulling out of this one.

I didn’t have a father for many years, I finally got to meet this incredible man last year. Sure he had been around all those years, but he was always with his buddies, never at home. Now I got to be with him and I like this guy and I am going to lose him. This is killing me, I am so tore up, cuz I am not ready.

I can’t write anymore.

Fat chicks have Feelings too!

2010-02-13T18:22:00.000-08:00

I get so sick and tired of going shopping and being treated like a leper in the 1950's. It seems that more people tend to make a path away from you, rather than stepping forward and being kind. This especially goes to clerks in the electronic departments and I mean at every store I have been to. I know, usually, what I want when I go to the electronics section of a store and there are always three to six people that are employed by the store, standing around. Went to Best Buy last weekend and there were actually six employees standing behind the little counter in the computer section of the store. Two were busy, it looked like training, but the other four were just standing there. So Tata and I are standing there and standing there and standing there. I was getting upset and started mumbling under my breath. That was until a young man approached the counter and one of the four that had been standing around, came forward to help the young man. I actually mumbled under my breath, “What am I, chopped liver?” I started get more and more vocal, until I finally walked away. So then Tata and I went to look at computers and I would have bought one, but….. Tata and I are standing in front of a computer, a Best Buy employee was on my left, he did not acknowledge us. When a man stepped up on my right to look at a computer, he pushed away from his stance and asked the guy if he needed help. I immediately walked away, saying that was their loss, cuz I would have bought a computer.

So our next stop was Walmart in Mtn. Home. Again, in the electronic department we were ignored until Tata went to get help. This store is notorious for ignoring me. I actually one time, almost broke down into tears because they so blatantly ignored me while I patiently waited. There was a young man that worked there, that I actually watched how he would avoid me at all costs. I have bought thousands of dollars worth of electronics from this store, being it is the closest to my home. Now that I have a new car, it won’t be that way anymore. Tata wondered at one point why they don’t have people in fat suits with cameras to see this behavior. It truly is appalling the treatment that I receive and I am nothing but kind with people in the service business, because I know that is a hard job. But I don’t believe they should have jobs, if they don’t want to do them; and helping me or someone else in my condition is a part of their job.

Feel my blood pressure going up, so I am going to sign off.

Love you

BBB

life is a highway and I am on it

2010-02-13T08:41:00.000-08:00

You, my dear, are my dearest friend and confidant. I am so glad that you didn’t take offense to what I said, like I said, it wasn’t directed at you, but at the medical association in general.

So a media player is a little tiny box, probably 4x3x2 that read hard drives. You normally plug it into an external hard drive that you have put pictures, music, or movies. It reads theses and is connected to your television so you can see them there. OMG, I have a co worker that had one and he brought it to me to fix, the hard drive was a terabit and had over 1000 movies on it. I took as many movies off of his hard drive that I could, though most of them I already have. The movies are like a digitally copy, but in a different format. It’s pretty amazing.

I was debt free for a few days. Of course, I couldn’t keep it like that, so I went on line and was checking out my credit. It’s not the greatest thing in the world, but it wasn’t truly bad. So then I thought, which I do occasionally, why not see if I can get a new car. So I filled out an application. I fill them out about 1 or 2 times a year. That night (Wednesday) I dreamed I didn’t get the car, which is no big thing, it’s not like I don’t have cars. So the next day I go to work and I get to thinking, hah, I wonder if my bank would give me a loan for 20,000? So I fill out another application. I get a couple of calls from the dealership where I filled out the application, then I get the call from them that I, in fact, did get the car. OMG OMG OMG, I had an instant heat flash, cuz I have been denied so many times, I wasn’t really thinking I was going to get it. Then an hour later, my bank also approves me for a loan. I couldn’t believe it. This all happened Thursday and I was going to wait till Friday to get the car, but the dealership asked me if I could come that day and pick it up, so I did.

KayKay, it is beautiful! It is a 2010 Ford Focus. Ford because they didn’t not participate in the bailout, they held their own and I applaud that enormously. It had 15 miles on it when I drove it out of the showroom. It is Blue Flame in color. Now some of the things in the car, I really didn’t want, but I had to get this car, cuz it was the cheapest with the four things I did want.

For starters, the wheels are premium, sporty. It has a spoiler on the back, fog lights, remote entry and security system. Power windows and locks, tilt steering wheel, heated leather seats, ambient lighting, cruise control, the cruise control and stereo controls are on the steering wheel. The stereo is premium sound with a huge sub woofer in the trunk, it is 6 cd changer, reads mp3, has sirrus, has a/c, back window defrost, heated mirrors, the mirror in the car changes when it has lights from another car begin hitting it. You can plug a usb port in as well as an mp3 player and two other plug in for additional things. The keys to the ignition are programmable so if you have kids you can program the car to their key to where they can’t go over 80 miles an hour and if they don’t buckle up the stereo stops working, there are other things too. The stereo system is also hooked into “sync” where your cell phone syncs with the stereo and it is all hands free. And then after the lady told me I had the car, she said oh yeah it has a sunroof! I did not know that. It’s an amazing car and I didn’t need half of what it has, but this car is so loaded, it’s not even funny.

Now I can drive down to get my grandson and not worry about breaking down. I also decided to give the KIA to Tata and now the eldest is pissed. I had spoken to them when I gave the eldest the Achieva that this is what was going to happen. But now she wants that car too, stating that she would pay me 1200 for it. I told her no, she started saying how unfair I am ( I have given her over 10000 dollars in cars and money for cars) so I finally said if a car is going to come between us, then the car just came between us and I hung up. I am not going to deal with it.

Well going to fly for now, I have to meet the eldest grandson here very shortly.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Your BBB

NO WORRIES MY FRIEND... I LOVE YOU TOO...

2010-02-12T14:25:00.000-08:00

I totally understand your frustration with the medical insurance and preference of some and not others, others, you, who are just as deserving. I thought it was unfair before I got sick, I think it is still unfair today, I am however overflowing with gratitude that I am able to do a few more things medically that I was not able to do but please, please, please know Carol... I would give all of these benefits back just to be cancer free again, to have feet that work, a mind that remembers, and I know that doesn't take away your pain and I wish that it did, you too, and all others, should be entitled to equal medical care and insurance coverage across the board.

For the moment I am still continuing with Alli and it is working and I'm quite certain I'd have way more energy to do things were it not for the wee hours of the morn phone calls with "my guy"... But what to do? He works at a bar and doesn't get home until 2, 3 or 4am, depending on the night. #2 son joined the local gym and he's losing weight and getting definition and he looks great... I'd like to join myself but for the cost.

And I totally understand your situation at work.. Seems like the more you do the more they give you to do because hell, if you can do that first bit of work, the next load oughta' be a breeze and you absolutely have every right to bitch about it. A person can only do so much.. And I suppose it wouldn't be so bad were all that extra work to come with a raise, a simple thank you, a pat on the back, a few extra bucks in the Christmas bonus but more often than not, it doesn't.. And again, of course, absolutely, it is your right to bitch.. You're only one person..

I guess I don't know the media player you're speaking of.. What is it? What does it do???

I'm so, so, so happy that you are debt free - if only for the moment - and am incredibly happy that you went on a carefree shopping spree! Aren't those the best??? Especially when you have money to spend on yourself too! And I'm quite certain Tata LOVES her new laptop!!!! Good for you!!!! You should celebrate yourself!!!! You deserve it!!!

And your photos... Your family is absolutely GORGEOUS Carol.. Wow!!! I don't think I've seen so many good looking people in one pic and I'm being serious!!! Just beautiful... I don't know who they all are or how they all interconnect but they are some great looking people! I see Liz in a lot of your ancestors...

All is well here... Boy and Girl child #1 doing the same, workin', workin'. #2 son is about to go to work with son #1, same schedule and everything so that is awesome... Son #2 also wow'd the crowd at open mic last night and got approached by a band and a gentleman from a club in Traverse City, both offering jobs... Son #3's goal is to go thru one whole week without being grounded.. Lol.. He has a new girlfriend and he's still busy with his music.. Schoolwork, not so much but getting better.. Helps if you cut the guitar strings off his guitar, I've found that to be quite an attention getter.

I go in for a CT on Monday. Enlarged nodes in my groin area - bleh. We're still hoping for radiation only so keep your fingers crossed.

Won a few dollars at the casino this morn and that's pretty much it.. Christmas is still up but is coming down this weekend FOR SURE!!!!!! - Wonder how many times I'll say that before it actually happens...

Signing off for now... Love you bunches..
BFF

weight lifting and laxatives!

2010-02-10T16:54:00.000-08:00

I have been lax, as in laxative, about writing here. Many things are contributing factors. I have to say and don’t take this the wrong way, cuz I love you—I was a little upset when I read your post about the doctor being able to get you what you need in the way of weight loss. It really wasn’t about you, but a culmination of stories involving disability bound people and their benefits. I was also on a “feel sorry for myself” kinda jig. You know the whole schpeel about how I’ve been working my ass off for over 25 years, with one month of not working, sometimes working 5-6 jobs at the same time to make ends meet, and I can’t get my insurance to do anything. This wasn’t the only thing I was upset over. There were two other medical bills that I was absolutely pissed about. But I won’t get into that.

So another thing I have been doing in this time away from blog, someone showed me a device called a media player, which absolutely blew me away. I became obsessive over this device and it really consumed a lot of time. I actually obsessed over it until I finally went and bought one on Saturday. Since then I have still been working on getting the media player up and running. It is such a cool device and not one person I talked to knows anything about them. I absolutely think it will be the wave of the future.

Work really was taking a toll on me, the boss has been putting more and more on me, sometimes I feel weighted down, but then I become a weight lifter and start pumping the work out. The more I get done, the more he puts on me. I told him last week, when I was exhausted, that he had run out of favors for a while, but then I stop and think, I am being paid good money, great benefits (regarding housing and such) that I shouldn’t be bitching about anything. The money I make, I couldn’t make anywhere else.

So I got my taxes back 8 days after I filed, course with no dependents, it wasn’t a huge amount, but I was able to pay every single bill off, so I am debt free, for the time being. I bought Tasha a laptop this weekend, I bought clothes for work, I bought whatever I wanted, and it was kinda nice.

My eldest cousin, whom I may not have met, got in contact with me, that is why I have been posting pictures on Facebook, she really wants to do geneology, so this should help her.

ttyl
BBB

ttyl

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY, COLTS OR THE AINTS?

2010-02-07T08:37:00.000-08:00

Obviously from the heading you can see that I'm pulling for the Colts, just because I had to pull for one or the other and the Aints have never been one of my faves... I was so hoping for the Vikings...

We've had "lit'l one" for 3 weeks now. First it was the idiots car and then she had strep for 2 weeks.. And today #1 son didn't get up and around in time to meet at the NEW time because the idiot got a different 2nd job.. So I just called her and told her I had a flat, we weren't going to make and we'll do it tomorrow. I need 2 new front tires and I just didn't feel like driving like a bat out of hell to try to make some stupid deadline for the idiot seeing as how we've had "lit'l one" for 3 wks., she can wait one more day and to her credit, she was cool about it.

I don't know if you've seen the "Alvin & The Chipmunks" movie but we rented it yesterday and it has been on a continuous loop ever since... Really a cute movie and very funny.

Christmas is still up in my house... It will however be down this week. #3 is going to be my slave child, he's not going to like it but he will be the one bringing up boxes and putting them away again. Every weekend he has something to do. Every day after school he has to stay for drama club.. This coming week and the following weekend he's mine. Again, he won't like it but that's just the way it's going to be.

Still in contact with my guy from h.s., in fact we have talk marathons... I think our record is 2:30am-11:30am.. And enter guy #2 from h.s.... Hahahaha.. One of my brother's best friends.. He has a place up here, his daughter graduated with son #2, he's totally laid back, he hunts.. Definitely the better fit if I wasn't so hung up on guy #1 from h.s... Next time you're online I'll share with you who guy #2 is.. =) I'm becoming frustrated with guy #1... Number one, he's still married.. Granted his wife has been gone for 3 yrs. and he claims there's no feelings there, his brother confirms this but my question is and forever will be, in 3 yrs. there couldn't of been a divorce at least started??? I found out this tidbit of info. when he filled out a FB survey.. One of the questions was, married or divorced? I of course said, divorced, his answer was, on the way... I was like whoa... And he's like, I told you and I said no, you said she left, went to Cali and married someone else which is kinda' funny since she's still married to me.. And I said, and you were laughing the whole time so I thought it was a joke. Then I told him, had I come to your town and ended up sleeping with you I would've been absolutely livid and we would've ceased being friends immediately because I don't knowingly do married men... And needless-to-say, our conversations haven't been the same since... I mean I've totally retreated... I feel like I'm spinning my wheels with him... I've talked to him about going back to school because he can't do security forever, he has no benefits, no 401k, no retirement plan.. He needs a career now.. Time to grow up I guess.. I don't know.. I really do love him but there's so much work involved and maybe if I were in my 20's things would be different but not now... Does that make me a bitch???? On the other hand guy #2 is an engineer, divorced - for real - for 14 yrs., owns his own home and is signing on a new one on Monday, moving closer to his kids, has a place up here, he's funny but I sense someone who would constantly be joking and that would drive me crazy.. Anyway, so that's my potential love life.. Comments???

The Alli is working fantastically well.. I've lost over 15lbs, probably over 20 at this point.. I've really noticed it in my clothes.. I need to get to exercising.. Finding something I can do is the key tho... I'm definitely getting the gastric tho.

Not much has changed with the kiddos. #1 son and daughter still working their asses off. #1 son has connected in a big way with his half brother out there and they are now the gaming dynamic duo, they just love each other and I'm so happy about that. #2 son is now a proud member of the local gym and works out fathfully every morning and night. He has some goals for the Summer. We finally got his birth certificate and social security card take care of, now he's waiting on his I.D. card so he can work. He'll be working with #1 son in the kitchen and singing at the piano bar, so that'll be cool. Son #3 continues to be my challenge with his all night drama practices, that he doesn't get home from until 7:30 at night, then he had the Winterfest dance, now he's practising with his "band" and he has a new play coming up that'll keep him after school again! I've had it.. It's like he's not even part of this family anymore..

And that's pretty much what's been going on in my neck of the woods. What's new with you n' yours?? I hope you're feeling better..
I love you bunches.
Your BFF

THIS, THAT AND THE OTHER

2010-01-21T03:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
How are you? Now that the cough has left, has anything else? I hope - and pray - so.

Not much going on here. That idiot ex-daughter-in-law of mine "said" her transmission on her vehicle went out so she kept "lit'l one" for 3 extra days and thought that we were just going to leave him there until she got her vehicle fixed - WRONG! #1 son and I took that 3 hour drive into that bomb dive of a town she lives in, into the ghetto neighborhood she lives in, to pick "lit'l one" up and I did let her know in no uncertain terms that those 3 extra days would be made up at OUR discretion. So, 3 hours there, 3 hours back, 6 hours round trip.. I was exhausted but not due to not feeling well, I'm actually feeling a lot better but because I stayed up waaaaayyyy too late and had to get up waaaaaayyy too early to get to the moron's house.

Remember my guy from h.s.? Well, we finally connected. Chatted for a couple of hours online and then he actually CALLED! And we talked another 2.5 hours... He's still just as sweet as he ever was... So, let's see where this goes. He lives in a part of town that I would never ever live in but I don't know that he'd leave his kids (grown) to come here. We'll see. In any event, it's exciting to have butterflies in my stomach once again.. Didn't think it would ever happen again.

Went to my dr. visit. Did not do the whole sleep study thing since the Valium is helping tremendously. Did tell the doc that I had to increase my dosage of Valium and then he increased it on my script. Thought that was pretty nice of him. I told him I'd like to be pill free by Christmas. He said, barring any cancer issues, that it was an attainable goal. Oh, and my weight loss tabs!

So weird Carol, I told him I was concerned about my weight and that I knew if I could just get some of it off I would be able to at least walk. I told him of my on going back pain that no previous dr. has ever addressed other than that idiot foreign oncologist who said that I probably had arthritis in my back - idiot. - Immediately my doc said, let's do gastric. I was a little more than stunned because I thought that would be a last resort sort of thing but apparently when you're morbidly obese gastric is the number one choice. So we discussed that a bit, I told him about the seminar you went to, we discussed the excess skin issue and he told me not to worrry about that. It's removed by a plastic surgeon and I'm like but my ins. won't cover that and he said, they will if I tell them to. So I was like cool but told him I didn't think I was really ready for the gastric, could we work our way up, so he prescribed Zenocal (sp) but he didn't know if it would be covered by my ins. - SURPRISE - it wasn't so he told me to get Alli instead, he said it's the same as Zenocal, so I did. It was $50 for the start up kit but that sure as hell beats $415 NOT COVERED BY INSURANCE! So, I'm on day 3 of Alli and it's wonderful. First, no rapid heart beat, you don't feel like your scalp is crawling, it kills your appetite, sucks most of the fat out of your foods and excellerates your weight loss by 50%. I've not had any of the side effects, i.e.; having to shit my life away or stand next to a bathroom just after eating or bloating gas. However, when you do shit, you'll see all the fatty oils from your food floating on top of the water in the toilet, really gross. The doc told me to keep my calorie intake below 1800 and at first I was shocked, I was like 1800 and he's like, that's not as much as you think. Hell Carol on day one I ate around 1250 calories, haven't tallied yesterdays but I'm sure it's even less than that and today, well, so far all I've had is coffee. I'm trying to do Weight Watchers - I already have all the books n' crap from when I was an actual member last year - while I do Alli but ya' know what the doc said? He said the people who lose weight and keep it off only lose about 30-35lbs. a year. I was like what? He said, the weight didn't come on over night, it shouldn't go off over night. I really, really hope this continues to work. I am so ready for this weight to be off and I was thinking, maybe my last 100lbs. I would do the gastric, what do you think. 100lbs. over weight is still morbid obesity. - And please know, I'm looking at this realistically, I'm thinking 2 yrs. down the road, ya' know? Just in time for my class reunion too! =) Ha! Didn't think about that til just now.

So, to date, my daily meds are as follows:
MORNING - Cymbalta (60mg), 1 Tramadol (non-narcotic pain med.)
AFTERNOON - 1 Tramadol
EVENING - Valium (10mg), 1 Tramadol
THROUGHOUT THE DAY - 1 Alli capsule with breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Not too bad. Now comes the oncologist and if all goes well with him I am home free Carol! Still have the excruciating pain in my feet and groin area but the Tramdol helps somewhat and the Valium and Tramadol at night help tremendously. I so want your pain to become managable as well.. Somewhere out there is a doctor who knows exactly how to help you and I am praying that you find him or he finds you! - I've been praying a lot lately and it's working!

THE KIDS -
#1 son is still busting his ass working at the lodge. He had a date which ended horribly. She told him she was still in love with her ex and that she really wasn't looking for a relationship. I'm like, the bitch didn't know that BEFORE #1 took her lame ass out?! So of course, #1 son does what every man does, goes out and gets a piece of ass from some other chick that drools over him every time he walks by..

My Princess is doing wonderfully well altho I do believe the shine has worn off the apple as far as her future in-laws are concerned. Apparently they're good for cash flow but not much else. She's going to school full time, in fact this Fall she'll be going to U of M, Flint, and of course she's working full time, hangin' with the fiance' and tending to "lit'l one #2."

#2 son finally got his s.s. card in the mail so he can now find himself a job AND go to school! He's so excited Carol! - I told you the whole issue. When he was adopted, a new birth cert. was produced reflecting his adoptive name but his social security card never got changed over. - He is just over the moon with happiness. Now to find a job and apply for financial aid!

#3 son... The challenge of my life Carol. I love him soooo much but he is so mouthy and so disrespectful. We got into a doozie of an arguement the other night and I ended up ripping every piece of jewelry he was wearing, off of him and throwing it into the fireplace and then I made him go in and wash that guy liner off and I told him to get ready because I was going to get the clippers and shave that head of his. - I didn't shave his head, he's lucky. - Needless-to-say, he's grounded. He has 6 classes and he's failing 3 of them. He'll be going to Summer school and if that doesn't work he will be a "super senior" and I don't care. He WILL graduate.

I still have all of my inside Christmas decorations up. I think I'll start taking them down after "lit'l one" goes back on Sunday. I'm totally ready to start some Spring cleaning! Okay, maybe not quite but I definitely need these decorations down.. They're almost as big a pain in the ass to take down as they are to put up!

I have nothing on my agenda for the day except house cleaning. #3 son is coming down stairs and he's going to ask for a ride to school and I for one am not doing it, it's too damn cold out there. He can wake #1 son and get him to do it. - Hahahaha, #3 son comes into the living room and says, "never mind." I was like, "never mind what?" He says, "well I was gonna' ask "#1 son" to drive me to school today but he's with "lit'l one." I was like, "so, you can ask." Apparently #1 son said no. #3 son is now lying on the couch. He's going to ask me and I too am going to say no and then right up until he walks out the door all I'll hear is huffing and puffing. Whatever, the bus stop is right down the road, he chooses not to go to that one, he chooses to walk across town. Not my problem. He could walk 2 houses down but he says they don't pick him up there. I said, "yes they do, I called." - Silence.

Okay, I'm outta' here. Luv you bunches and hope your pain subsides.. BTW, GREAT pic of your #2 girl child on FB. She really is BEAUTIFUL.. As is "TaTa..." ; ) Luv U!
Your BFF

I SO GET THE MEDICAL BULLSHIT!

2010-01-15T05:49:00.000-08:00

There has got to be a better way, a better plan, a more affordable plan for people to have decent health care and insurance! Bump my cable bill up, raise taxes on smokes and alcohol, GIVE HEALTH INSURANCE TO ALL WORKING AND THOSE WHO AT ONE TIME DID, WORK - AMERICANS!!!!!! FREE OF CHARGE!!! Just sort of as a THANK YOU FOR BEING A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY!!!! Cut the cable in prisons. Cut everything in prison except for food, shelter and clothing, period. START KICKING THE ABLE BODIED LOSERS OFF OF WELFARE!!!!! STOP GIVING THE ILLEGALS HAND OUTS!!! As you can see this whole insurance issue annoys the fuck out of me as well! Medicare won't cover all of my medical costs so I have to apply for welfare to get the medicaid coverage that WILL cover what Medicare won't. How fucking stupid is this?? I have cancer for fuck sake! Can I just have one card to cover my meds, biopsies and chemo???? And the answer to that is no I fucking can't BUT IF I WERE AN ILLEGAL I COULD!!!! I COULD HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO ME! It's ridiculous and I'm sorry that you're going thru this bullshit.. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain... I wish so much I had a magic wand to wave over you and make it go away you know I would do it in a heartbeat!

It's the weekend and I have no plans except to clean house. I was hoping to have had all of my Christmas stuff down but I don't, I was concentrating on my room instead.. I thought maybe if I totally organize it I'll sleep better and of course in attempting to organize I've made an even bigger mess - ugh!

We have "lit'l one" on Sunday and I'm always happy to see him.. He just brightens my whole world and is so healing to my soul.

#1 son got back into the dating pool and went down in flames. She told him that she was still in love with her ex boyfriend and she liked rock n' roll guys. - Whatever. - So of course son #1 has moved on to someone else...

Son #2 is waiting on his social sec. card that reflects his adoptive name so he can get out and get a job. He so wants to move on with his life and this little snag is preventing his progress and with each day he becomes more and more irritable and I don't blame him. This was supposed to have been taken care of at the time of the adoption but whatever...

Son #3 is still Mr. Attitude all the way and I for one cannot wait until he gets out of this phase.. It's so draining to argue with him every single day and night....

My daughter is doing wonderfully well. I need to post another album on FB, she has more pics.. I miss her so much.. So, so, so, so much... She said I could come live with her and just let the boys take over this house, with Wes and Brian both working they ought to be able to do it..

I finally located a local organization that helps the homeless so I signed on for that.. I'm beginning this month to put together kits and I'll start making my quilts next week. I'm excited about this and it makes me feel good.

The earthquake in Haiti is totally heart wrenching to me... Those poor people... We have a million beautiful islands... Give them one, help them build their country again! And I was so pissed when I saw on CNN, some spokespeson from the White House say, "we need to assess the situation and see what the needs are." FUCKING REALLY????? How 'bout this... EVERYTHING!!!!!!!! Their needs are everything. And I too, am keeping them in my prayers.

Onto laundry. I love you and I hope you feel better soon...
BFF

ALL NIGHTER

2010-01-15T05:27:00.000-08:00

**Obviously something I started and never finished back in Dec. so enjoy the read I guess..** (Where the fuck is my head???)

Dear Carol,
I haven't been to bed yet, have no plans to go. Didn't take my meds specifically for this reason, knew I'd be up all night tonight. Got a little behind on the Christmas decorations.. I have boys that must be supervised otherwise nothing gets done, or at least done as I ask for it to be done, half assed, haphazzardly, totally opposite of what I've asked, yes, but not done as I ask and then of course they all get pissed when I ask, ask mind you, for them to do it as I had initially asked.. I tell them I appreciate their efforts, it's not like I'm a raving bitch about it, at least not the first four times I ask and vow my undying love, devotion and appreciation for all they have done.. Anyway, still decorating... Then I've got to gather everything else - all the boxes n' stuff that need to go down in the basement - and pu them by the basement door and then leave a note to remind one of them - #2 son has volunteered - to actually put the stuff down in the basement because trust me, it will get shuffled all over the kitchen, until I get pissed enough and open the basement door myself and just throw it down, because apparently that's the kind of bitch I am. They always say that I always yell at them, I say, it's the only time you do what I ask. I ask and ask and ask, finally I'm at my wits end, raise my voice and they all get pissed and I'm the bad guy. I just don't get it.

Ugh - My least favorite Christmas song EVER is now playing... Feliz Navidad... CANNOT STAND THAT SONG.. And coming in a close second is Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer...

Got the tree almost done.. I'll be fiddling with that thru next year! Small table - done - all snowmen, one silver Christmas tree, lights and a candle. Still working on the china hutch and dining room. The mantle is finished. All outside lights are done. Son #2 doesn't like that they're all white lights, nor than I have a GIANT star on the house, 2 small stars in the windows and one of those swirly front yard light trees with a little star on top of that. He also doesn't like that my tree in total contrast has colored lights.. He said the white lights should've been on the tree since my theme was snowmen, blue, white and silver... The colored lights should be outside for everyone else to see. I told him, when he gets his own house he is more than welcome to decorate however he chooses.. In my house I decorate for Seth, period. Seth likes to see the stars outside and all the pretty lights inside. I have to hang a couple of wreaths out in the sunroom and one in the foyer - sounds so grand.. it's the little room off of the sunroom with stairs leading up to the boys domain.

Made a fresh pot of coffee, tastes so yummy.. Thinking about going out and getting "lit'l one's" Mom a Christmas present.. I so don't want to spend one penny on her.. Okay, I won't. Issue resolved. If only they were all so easy.

Need to get the rest of my Christmas cards made out this morning too otherwise everyone's will be late.. I hate doing that and yet it seems every year I do.. Stupid..

Health, wealth, happiness--they don't live here!

2010-01-13T19:02:00.000-08:00

The coughing finally has ceased to exist!!!!!! But it was not as if I could enjoy it, oh, no, that would have been to easy. No, now my throat is swollen, my head is congested, the nose is running, I can't talk. So I go to the doctor today. She walks in the door, the first thing out of my mouth was that I think I should have a running appointment weekly, as I have been seeing her so often. She laughed and said yes we have been seeing each other alot.
Then I asked about the ompa loompas wanting to know where they were and when they were going to start juicing me. She kinda looked at me with "hello, is anyone there?" look. I said I was feeling like Violet from Willy Wonka and that my body was blowing up so fast that it needed to be squeezed thoroughly to get the juices out of it. My body hurts like someone has wrapped my body in clear wrap, and yet my body is still expanding. It doesn't have any where to go. My face hurts, probably from the big fucking roll under the chin pulling my skin down, making my eyes close from the strain of the pulling.
I got a call from a collection agency the other day, I was livid. Of course it is from medical bills, always are. I have never went to collections for anything else. I hate the health system here. I mean for fuck's sake, to get an xray now, you go in, they put you in place, place that black board under you, flip a switch, and then take a pic. Okay from here it goes into a computer, not like the technician has a lot to do, but wait! It's going to cost you $500 for a ten minute procedure. Am I pissed? Fuckin A! And to top of the shit, I had paid $100 five days earlier to said establishment. But now that it is in collections, they apparently don't talk. I got upset on the phone, then started to cry and told the lady, as much pain as I was in, I could live off of disability, but no, I want to work, so let's fuck me! She was very understanding, but it wasn't like she could do anything.
Maybe when the cloud disappears around my head, I will feel happy, but so long as I feel like shit, fuck it! I'm going to stay nasty.
Pray for the poor souls in Haiti, what a shame!
love ya
BBB

THE DOG WITH WORMS...

2010-01-13T06:15:00.000-08:00

HYSTERICAL! I've used it in just about every phone call since you posted it!

I feel like hell. My own fault. Once again over some stupid guy - I feel like I'm in high school - oh that's because the guy I'm speaking of is from my high school days! - I don't quite hate him... YET! - Anyway, you know the one.. He was gonna' call on Fri., never did, then he posted that he kept missing me on and he'd call on Tues., never did. So what stupid thing do I do?? I stay up til 5am to catch him on and guess what? He wasn't on ONCE! I don't know what he does for a living but he keeps odd hours and today, this morning, he's fucking annoying! I can barely see to type this so you really shoulda' seen me driving #3 boy child to school, which he insisted upon and I'm like why, he says, oh I have to work on a project on Powerpoint, I'm like, oh, you mean do catch up work and he says no, it's not catch up work and I'm not the only one. I was like, I don't care abot everyone else, when was or is this work due??? He says, last week. And the viscious circle begins again, oh, so this is catch up work?!

I'm supposed to go to the doc today and that's definitely not happenin'! I'm also supposed to go over to my Mother's - she wants to get out of the house, I get it - but I don't see that happen' either! So, I just called my doc's office and rescheduled for Monday and they tell me they still haven't received my records from my neurologist down state and that they sent off for them on Dec. 9th. To which I respond, "Oh that's because that dr. has some girl working at the front desk with a closed head injury." - WTF? - Just flew out of my mouth! Awkward silence on the phone for a moment and then I apologize and my docs office girl sorta' giggles and says, "that's okay.." I'm quite certain when we hung up she was thinking that I was the one with the closed head injury!

Oh and about your UFO sighting, I saw the same thing a while back just before Thanksgiving. I was sitting outside having a smoke - it was still warm enough - and I saw them and they just sorta' stayed put for a minute, long enough for me to yell inside to boy child #2 to come out and look - he's fascinated by UFO's - and it was amazing and not only amazing everyone was calling into the radio stations and the flight towers wanting to know what what going on and there were no planes in the area that night at that particular time. So no, I don't think you're nutso, I absolutely know for a fact we're visited often, if not daily.

Okay, I really can't see now. Talk with you later. Luv U.
BFF

Interesting sight

2010-01-09T18:09:00.000-08:00

Thought I saw a UFO night be last. Not justone but at least 5. I was heading into town, when to my left over the lake I saw 5 perfectly aligned yellow/orange lights. They moved around, but would always come back t the alignment. I shook it off as maybe AF planes. So I went into town and was on my way back when two of the "planes" went over head. Yes tis time they were planes, they had the red blinking lights on the underside. But then I got to thinking, I have never seen a plane with like an orange light, okay it could have been afterburners, but when the orangish light was not on, I did not see the red lights from the underside.
UFO or mind fuck? Who knows.

Rambles, shambles

2010-01-07T17:10:00.000-08:00

I love the pics on FB you put up, you actually have a chin, I am so jealous!
People do suck! They make promises they don't keep, I don't hold my breath for anyone anymore. It sucks my body has taken a turn for the worse, it makes me realize how much stuff I used to do without asking for help, now I just let things lapse, like a hoarder, overwhelmed by the mess and no where to start.
I hate most men, Tata's father has finally decided he wants to be a part of her life. You want to talk about pissed off! I am so livid over that, I hate him so much, he will never understand how much I hate him. Really? Twenty years later you finally want to be involved? What are you fucking stupid? What a fucking prick! I rembmeber when Tata used to pack her bags by the front door waiting for him, not wanting to do anything else, except sit there and wait for him. I think men like that actually deserve to have their balls removed and not surgically! They do it to one child, they should never be able to have another child. I sometimes think that America should be like China and only allow one child per person. First, we would cut down on the welfare scheming going on. Once the child is born, I think there should be some way to nueter both parents of the child. So hey! You have no choice but to either love that child or never have a child's love in your life. Hah!
It is sad how other people can control our emotions and they don't even realize they do it. I ramble.
I have to say something chipper, okay here goes. I was talking to Tata the other day about how we say goodbye when leaving someone. I have a habit of saying some phrases when I feel silly. I am going to list some for you and then tell you something when I am done.
I'm going to be like a baby and head out.
I'm going to be like a tree and leave.
I'm going to be like a ball and bounce.
I'm going to be like a banana and split.
***so I made up he next two***
I'm going to be like a rocket and take off.
***or my favorite---
I'm going to be like a dog with worms and scoot!***isn't that just sick, but I love it. Even my boss today liked it so much he was going home to use it on his wife. I don't know why the word scoot flashed and then I pictured a dog dragging it's butt across the grass. Tata thought I was gross!
Okay enough rambling.

I HATE THIS ASSHOLE TOO!

2010-01-07T03:34:00.000-08:00

Son #1 and only daughter's biological Father was in town and never bother once to pick up the phone and even make an attempt to see either of them. Daughter has no contact or interest but #1 son does/did and then I'm looking at the asshole's other daughters FB pages online and they've posted pics of him spending Christmas with him.. AND the ex-wife, mother of those daughters who is also on my FB friend's list, who is forever going on and on and on about how she hates him and how he beat her daughters, etc., etc., etc. She actually allowed him to stay at her house! - For the girls... - Fucking whatever...

I'm with you Carol. I hate people, they're all such fuckers.. And I in no way blame the girls.. That is their "Dad" but he is and will forever be the biggest asshole to hit planet earth and the ex-wife, after everything she told me about him, what he did to her, how he put his hands on her children... I have no use for her either..

Why does any of this matter, whey does it still piss me off?? Why are my kids not good enough to visit or call??? He's a fucker and I hope he dies a slow painful death and the upside to this is that he looks amazingly fucking old now, hahahahaha, king of fucking around.. Not too much of that happening now is there ya' wrinkled up, saggy balled prune!

I HATE HIM

2010-01-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

I hate him and I blocked him from my Facebook.

Wow, I'm mature.

I don't care. He broke my heart and I'm sad.

2010 - THE YEAR OF MIRACLES

2010-01-05T05:59:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year! Your Christmas sounds like it went smoothly, albeit, the shoe was on the other foot this year as you found yourself not working and "Tata" working her lit'l heart out.

I am very sorry to hear that you are in so much pain - still. I would almost want them to remove my knee and replace it with whatever is medically available these days, even if that meant turning you into a "Bionic Woman" of sorts, which, in and of itself would be awesome.

My house is silent. I just came back from taking son #3 to school. He had to be there early to catch up on the homework he obviously hasn't been doing. 6 classes and he's failing 3. I about blew a gasket. I'm attempting "tough love" but it's not working so of course I threatened him with sending him out to live with his Dad for his Senior year if he doesn't get it together this year. I am at my wits end... I tell #3 to go left, he goes right, I say no phone or inet, he sneaks it anyway. His mouth runs non-stop in such a disrespectful manner, even son #1 had to step in and tell him that that is not how he talks to his Mother. I am in the parenting home stretch why must this last child be so difficult? We argue every day and I just don't like it. I love him so much...

Son #1 and "lit'l one" are sleeping soundly and son #2 is about to get up and get ready so we can go to the social security office. Finally he is able to get a social security card that matches his birth certificate. When he was adopted the original birth cert. was destroyed and a new one issued, what was not issued was a new social sec. card so he hasn't been able to fully register for school or work, the social sec. number keeps getting kicked back because it's under his birth name. Today we will remedy that and son #2 will be walking on sunshine and I will have one less stress/worry/issue to listen to.

I think I've been duped by my daughter and I am hurt so badly by this. They couldn't come down for Thanksgiving for some reason, I don't even remember, she said we'll be there for Christmas... They didn't make it for Christmas.. She said she'd be here in time for the "January Jubilee"... Now she has no idea when they'll be able to make it and if it does happen it will be just her, not "lit'l one" or "boy wonder." I'm so hurt. And that's all I can say on that.

**"January Jubilee" is the celebration we have when we've had a slim Christmas due to lack of funds and so the kids get their big ticket items in January and we have a big dinner just like at Christmas, unwrapping of gifts, etc.** -

This year was a very slim Christmas for us. I listened - unfortunately - to my lit'l sister when I got a big check come in and I paid off - as much as I could - all of my bills, the important ones in advance. This left me with zero funds for Christmas. Son #1 got a one day check. Were it not for my Mother there would've been no presents under the tree this year. So God Bless her. She spent the night Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day and it was wonderful.. Like it should have been all those years. I was happy that the kids and "lit'l one" had the experience of spending time with their Grandma and Great Grandma at Christmas. I only had my Grandma for a very short time and I never met my Great Grandma.

I am no longer speaking to my lit'l sister. We had a huge blow up and that is that. I always knew her husband didn't like me and I never gave a shit but when she came out with, "C" said it was a big mistake moving you up here," that pretty much sealed it for me. I said EVERYTHING I ever wanted to say and I was done. It happened at my Mother's home and of course she chimed in and got a lot of things off of her chest concerning my sister as well. I apologized to my Mother for the blow up and she said, "There's nothing to apologize for, it had to happen." And she was absolutely right because Carol, as soon as it did I felt like a world had been lifted off of my shoulders and not only for me but for my kids, they were so glad to cut ties with her. I know she's my sister but the relationship was toxic and it was harmful, not only to me but to my kids and ridding myself of it is what was best and I stand by that and for the rest of my life will.

All of that being said... On the up side and I know after having explained the whole situation about my lit'l sister and cutting her off this will sound incredibly hypocritical but Carol I believe that situation was the catapult that sent me back where I needed to be. I refer to it as coming "home" and I feel like I traveled the world in search of... Just to discover it was here with me all along..

Right after that blow up I decided that I was going to faithfully - key word, faithfully - keep a journal. I began writing at 12:03am, Dec. 31st and I began writing my journal to God. I poured out my heart and soul to him, sought forgiveness, prayed, asked for blessings and thanked Him. At the time of that writing I was absolutely penniless - aside from the pennies in "lit'l one's" piggy bank and that is sacred, no matter what, that money never ever gets touched. - Again, I was penniless. We had already turned in all our bottles for gas days before and my check and son #3's checks - we get 3, mine for my disability and one for his SSI and then his for my disability - weren't due until the 3rd of Jan., the 6th at the latest. Son #1's pay day was going to be the 2nd due to the holiday. I wrote to God asking him to please bring money into our home. I couldn't go to my Mother's, I had gotten stuck in her driveway the last time I was there and she had to call the plow guy to get me out. I had no way to get funds and I had to get son #1 to work and I had no gas.

Thus, the first miracle.. Keep in mind, I had asked God to please bring money into our home. Keep in mind, I'm writing this at 12:03am. I closed my journal, said my prayers and went to bed. I woke up at 7am and began my morning ritual. Starting coffee, getting in the shower, running dish water for the night before dishes and then starting laundry. All of these tasks must be done individually because this is an old house and you can't run water in the kitchen and the bathroom at the same time or do laundry and take a shower at the same time, etc. So, I start the laundry. The boys jeans and dark t-shirts. I no longer stick my hands in the boys pockets looking for papers, pens, paperclips, etc. because more often than not all I find is whatever gritty crap and fuzzy crap is in there so now I just squeeze and squeeze I did, every pocket of every pair of jeans, primarily looking for homework or progress reports for son #3 and ink pens that son #2 is famous for leaving in his jean pockets. Nothing, absolutely nothing in the jeans. I toss the clothes in the machine and off I go to see what's happening on FaceBook, MySpace, CNN and the local yocals. The clothes get done I put them in the dryer. I go back to the news of the day. I hear the first buzz. I start the dryer again - I have an old washer and dryer set and it takes 2 go rounds for the clothes to dry. - An hour later I hear the second buzz. I go and get the clothes, go into my room to fold them and watch "Bonnie Hunt" or "Ellen", whoever's on. I start taking the clothes out of the basket to fold them and out floats a dollar bill.. I think to myself, hhmm, not sure how I missed that and I set it aside. I pull another shirt out, another dollar bills falls literally into my lap. Now I'm totally perplexed. The t-shirts don't have pockets.. I pick up another pair of jeans, another dollar, another pair of jeans, another dollar and so on until I have enough money for gas to get son #1 to work. And you have to know the more this went on the bigger my smile got and then I was literally laughing out loud, totally giddy and immediately picked up my journal and gave thanks to God. CLEARLY this was His doing! And I added a little note thinking, I need to be specific.. I wrote, "Please God, if you could provide funds into our home via our checks or however you see fit I pray for you to do so." Because I still had to go pick #1 son up and I had no idea how that was going to happen. - FYI - It is officially New Year's Eve at this time.

The miracle continues....

It's now time to take #1 son to work. We stop and get gas. It's enough to get him there but as I said, not enough to come back home and then go back to pick him up so all the way to work I'm telling #1 son, you've got to talk to your boss today and explain to him our situation and see if you can get your check early, beg if you have to. "I will Mom, no worries," he says. I drop him off with a kiss and a prayer and head back home.

I get home, nobody home. Son #3 had spent the night at a friend's and I assumed son #2 was at the library where he spends the majority of his time when he has absolutely nothing to do. So, I'm home, I lock the door, I do that when I'm home alone and the thoughts of how I'm going to get son #1 are still weighing heavy on my mind. I start picking up around the house, blah, blah, then I hear a knock at the door. It's son #2.. He's standing at the back door with 3 envelopes pressed up against the glass.. ALL 3 OF OUR CHECKS CAME IN THE MAIL! Carol I was in tears! I couldn't believe it! It still makes me cry. We immediately headed out and cashed one and filled the vehicle up with a FULL tank of gas. I could now get #1 son home!!! Needless-to-say I was walking on clouds the whole day and again I went to my journal to give thanks to God.

And the miracles continue...

The day has gone on, I feel loved as I have never felt loved before in my life and now it's time to go pick up son #1 from work.. #1 son gets in the car with a HUGE smile on his face. He says, "Mom, I have two surprises for you, one is in this pocket and the other is in this pocket." And I'm like, "Okay..." And out of the first pocket he pulls out a little slip of paper. - Still smiling all the while. - "This," he says, "Is "Cutie's" phone number." - "Cutie is the little CHRISTIAN girl that started crushing on #1 son the moment he started working there. "Cutie" is a ski instructor but also works in the lodge, she also volunteers at the soup kitchens and shares a passion for helping the homeless, as do I. "Cutie" will be giving #1 son and "lit'l one" ski lessons for free." Now the other pocket... From this pocket he withdraws an envelope. "I got my check Mom," he says. Again, I am a puddle of tears! I'm like, "What?!" He said it was so weird, he took his boss aside and told him he needed to talk to him privately for a moment and before #1 continue, his boss said, "sure, c'mon in the office, I need to give you your check anyway." #1 son said, "what?" And his boss said, "Yeah, we got our checks early this year, usually we have to wait." #1 son said, "I was just coming to talk to you about that..."

And thus, in a nut shell is the beginning of 2010, our year of miracles. I pray your year will be filled with miracles as well Carol. I pray for you always and I hope you will support me on my journey "home."

I love you.
Your BFF

2010 is here

2010-01-01T14:32:00.001-08:00

The new year has started, but I made no resolutions. I don’t know how I could make any when I don’t feel good enough to actually go thru with them. I am hoping this year to start feeling better than what I felt in the last 4 months of 2009. I have been really medicating myself for sleep lately and it seems to be working a little. I am hoping this three day weekend with put a stop this sickness.

I thought I would get to see the eldest grandson this weekend, but it was not to be, his dad is stuck in Seattle. So sleep is the word instead. Tata has taken off for Meridian for a day or two, so it is very quiet, I’ve had three naps so far and it is only 3:30 in the afternoon. I am still a wee bit tired, but feel more awake right now then I have in the last couple of months. It’s been a Rocky-thon on tv, so I have been drifting in and out of that. Now on Rocky V.

Everything here going okay. Snow comes and goes. Have an inch then it is gone in a matter of hours. Roads have been slick, more icing here than anything. People are so stupid when it comes to a little different state on the road.

Well, gonna go, ttl.

Your BBB

Merry Christmas and good trimmings

2009-12-25T10:57:00.000-08:00

Good tidings to all, this is a different Christmas for me. It’s the first time that I am not celebrating the day opening presents, and it’s not because of me. Usually I worked, trying to squirm my way out of the day, but today Tata is working, so I can use her as an excuse. Really, not an excuse, but I am still tired all the time and just don’t want to go to the city after 5 when it starts getting dark.

We gathered all the presents and put them by the door and stood back looking at just how many there were. WOW! I think we outdid last year and there was a load then. I have decided next year, maybe just envelopes…lol.

I think it would be great to have a scavenger hunt to find the presents, especially for the little ones. I didn’t like last year when the middle grand child would grab one of his presents, rip open the paper, toss it to the side, and ask where his next one was. I was not even the present that got him excited, it was seeing how many he was going to get. It disturbed me, cuz he just tossed them, not caring if they broke, he didn’t care who had given them to him, I was perturbed. If it happens this year, he may not get any next year.

My eldest child upset me a little this week. The children’s toy box is over flowing very much so. She put the kids’ name on the giving trees around town. When one of them only brought one gift, she called them and told them that wasn’t fair, so they are going out of their way to get more for the kids. I told her that she didn’t have to do that, as the kids were getting plenty of stuff from the family, that those presents should be used for kids that really needed it.

Well, I guess I am going to sign off, just wanted to say Merry Christmas, may the spirit of Christ help you through your trying times. This is my time to pray and ask for you. God bless.

Your BBB

Survivor - Samoa - Russell

2009-12-20T20:16:00.000-08:00

Russell did not win the game and I am pissed! This man was hated by me so much, I called him every name in the book. He played the best game I have every watched, and I have watched every episode from day one of Survivor, except one. He is the craziest player, the best player bar none. Noboby outplayed this man, noone out thought this man, noone out witted this man. What a crock that he did not win!

Russell is the best player I have every seen!

Happiness is truly a state of mind.

2009-12-19T18:27:00.000-08:00

I am jamming out today, listening to Lady Gaga, Muse, Carrie Underwood, among some. Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance takes me back to the disco days and I have to say I really enjoyed the shit out of those days. Carrie Underwood’s Cowboy Casanova makes me want to get better and go dancing and you know I hate country music. But this makes me move my head and pout my lips, giving me attitude. Now Muse’s Uprising makes me want to jump up and down on the bed and just gets me feeling young. Not that I have the ability to jump up and down on the bed, but it’s a great thought in my head. Yesterday I sat around, at night, and cried listening to Bob Seger. God he brought back great times in my life. I so miss those days. I was fun back then, I loved, I lived, I felt alive.

Not anymore, my knees are pretty swollen; thus no jumping. Hell, I can barely walk. Yesterday I spilled some nut shells on the floor and about died trying to pick them up. I had to use my cane to lean on and then I felt like the big bad wolf in 3 little pigs. I was a huffing and puffing, but instead of blowing anything (damn!), I about passed out.

The coughing is as bad, I cough so hard I see black. If not pure black, then I see black stars and I get real woozy for a few seconds. Blah! My ribs sometimes feel like I am breaking them when I cough, it hurts so bad. But enough of my wa-wa. I am still napping whenever I can, today I got up the first time at 10:45 and was back to sleep at around 1 until 5:30. I couldn’t even get enough energy to go to the big city today. Thank god all my Christmas shopping is done, I wouldn’t be able to do anymore. I am not going back to the doctor until next year, and no thanks on the valium, I am trying to stay awake, not crash for 24 hours.

I hate thinking that I am never going to get better, all the way around, including the knees. I hate thinking I may never get out of my bedroom, other than going to work. I hate thinking my life is basically going to be what it is now, until I die. There is no real happiness, I laugh, I smile, but I don’t feel, you understand? I think in some ways my heart feels broken or empty.

Let me tell you, money does not buy happiness. I have money now, I am not happy. I am not talking about millions, but I am very comfortable, compared to how I have lived the last 30 years. I want for nothing, I lack for nothing. I had more fun when I was pooooooooor trying to figure out how my finances were going to be paid. Weird! Happiness really is a state of mind and my mind can't seem to grasp that. I am happy at work, cuz other people are bummed, so I am trying to bring them up, but when I get home, again, I feel nothing.

I am stopping now, can't go on.

Love you

Your BBB

OH AND ONE MORE THING

2009-12-18T23:17:00.000-08:00

Totally excited about your normal poop! I really am. Again, I will address this topic possibly tomorrow. I'm so happy for you. I know how great that feels. - Anyone reading this is gonna' think we're nut jobs.. Whatever, don't fucking read it.. -

Love you again.

Your BFF

VALIUM

2009-12-18T23:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
The doc gave me valium to replace the xanax. Valium is one crazy ass med, this I will tell you! I'll write more on this topic when I don't feel like I'm trapped in the 60's...

In the meantime. How are you? Any relief? Might I suggest valium?

I have to go now.

I love you bunches.

Your BFF

gotta say what I gotta say

2009-12-16T17:46:00.000-08:00

So I have some exciting news, I took a dump and for the first time in forever I had a regular bowel movement! I was so jacked; I had to tell Tata about it. I know that may not be exciting to some, but when your body evacuates itself faster than you can retain food, this is almost a miracle.

I am so finished with Christmas presents; this is the first time ever I am ahead of the game. I think because of this, my body knows it is not under stress. At least not in the bowel way. I am still so stinking tired, I nap all the time when I have days off, I want to when I am at work, but can’t. I have given up going to the doctors this year, the cough will not go away so the next step is the ears, nose, and throat doc. I am so not looking forward to that. My sister was going through something like what I am doing and they made her stick a string attached to some sort of device, in her nose, down her throat. She also had the other end in another device behind her ear. She was to wear this for a 24 hour period to see what her stomach was doing. She was in a store when she got sick and threw up the device. So now she has this string thing running through her nose coming out her mouth. She had to pull it through her mouth and out her nose. Fuck that! I would have cut the damned thing. This is why I don’t want to go to the doc. I don’t want them shoving something down my throat to figure out why I am coughing

So work is going pretty good, I am trying to be in a better mood. Poor Tata having to work with the pathological liar is driving her to being sick. Now she understands why I had to get out of there, cuz I couldn’t do it anymore.

I have not been out anywhere, I have not done anything, my knees are pretty painful lately, so I am not engaging in any fun. So this will be short, maybe not sweet.

Keep on bitching! I love you for that.

Your BBB

WHERE HAVE I BEEN?? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?? SICK?? ME TOO!!!

2009-12-14T15:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
God I am so sick of being sick and tired - ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!!

Right now I'm at home alone. I can hardly believe it, not a sound to be heard but me on the keyboard. - Nice.

I'm still trying to get decorated. At this rate I'll be decorating straight thru to Christmas Eve! I'm just SO tired! Never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to see my doc on Wed. so he can prescribe me something else! This Xanax is THE WORST! I'm a raving bitch and I know I'm a raving bitch and I apologize but I can't stop it! It's so stupid!!!

My brother was up for the weekend and got a deer. He gave it to me. It's ready to be picked up but that'll have to wait until tomorrow. I don't even know how to get to the town where he and my bro in law dropped it off to be processed. In any event, it was fun having my brother up, what time I got to spend with him. My sister pretty much hogged him all to herself but whatever.. In actuality my brother was in his blind most of the time he was here, the blind just happened to be on their property.. My brother brought Christmas gifts for everyone, which was very nice of him. He got me a snowman for my tree, an ornament that looks JUST LIKE my dog, for my tree and a card with money in it for me and the boys. It was very nice and thoughtful and he didn't have to do that.

#3 son was in a talent show over the weekend. I didn't go because I was exhausted. - Give me the Mother of the Year Award.. I'm such a bitch. - He didn't place but he had fun and got exposure and some other guys asked him to be in their band up here so he was happy.

#1 son loves his job.. Wish he'd get his license.. Sure would make life a helluva' lot easier on me.. "Lit'l one" had to be taken to the pick up/drop off and then #1 son had to go to work, then we - I took sons 2 and 3 with me - headed to my Mom's, then to my sisters, opened my brothers gifts, ate some chili, chatted for a bit and then back on the road at 9pm to pick up #1 son from work and with the roads the way they are it's a little over an hour drive.. So figure on Sunday I drove 1.5 hr. to drop "lit'l one", drove back 1.5 hr., total of 3 just for that little jaunt, then out to son's work, just over an hour, then back from son's work, so about 2.5 hours there, my Mom n' sis are on the way so no biggie and then the last trip out to pick him up, just over an hour and then back, just over an hour, so 2.5 hrs. again... Let's see.. 8 hrs. in the car yesterday..... "Mom, why are you in such a bad mood?" Asks #3 son.... Hhhmmm, between the shitty meds and living in my vehicle, my body being in excruciating pain and the pounding in my head... I really don't know why I'm in such a bad mood...

Anyway, so that's what's been going on here... How 'bout you? Feeling any better? My brother gave my Mom two vicodin which she splits in half so she's not been in as much pain.. I was glad for that. Still pissed that my sister wouldn't fill that script she had and give some to my Mom, my Mom was never selfish with hers when she had extra..

Okay, I'm gonna' take full advantage of my quiet house and go rest.. Oh, and I saw pics of my Boise boy toy's new woman... She's pretty and I hate her and I hate him but I want him to be happy just not with her and that's pretty much the way I feel about that.
Signed your bitchy...
BFF

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!

2009-12-10T06:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol Wednesday, December 9, 2009 9am
Well, just getting ready to start a fire and then get busy with decorating. I've been up since about 6:30am. #2 son was also up but he hadn't been to bed so when I got up he stumbled upstairs... We got into a small little tiff yesterday and apparently he decided he'd stay up cleaning all night... Hhhhmm, perhaps we should have these little tiffs more often.

Can't seem to get used to these new meds. I'm tired all the time... I have a dr. appt. next Wednesday so hopefully he can help me out.. AND I'm going to have him look at my very first ever ingrown toe nail which I find to be so disgusting.. It's not not red and bloated but it's pink and it hurts like a bitch!

I'm sure you've seen our weather conditions out here. Total blizzard but we don't have those cold temps that you guys have... You're down right frigid! If our temps were any cooler we wouldn't be having all of this snow.. People don't get that but it's true, it can be too cold to snow. We're supposed to get 11" - 17" of snow today ON TOP of what we've already gotten and here that's over a foot!

Oh, I saw the PPV UFC advertisement.. UFC 107? Is that the one? And I saw the hot guys.. Wow.. They really are amazing aren't they???

Well, I just heard "lit'l" one.. Better get off of here so I can get him breakfast.. #1 son starts his job today! He's so totally jacked and so am I!!!!

I'll wrie more sooner than later.
Luv U
BFF

aging and not well

2009-12-06T19:12:00.000-08:00

dig the hat?! maybe, maybe not...looks ike you should have your auger in hand heading for the iced over lake, ready to do some fishing...OMG

got all the presents wrapped today, some dishes and some laundry. it's been in the 20's all day, just a nice day to stay inside. no lights up this year, apparently, not going to either.

tomorrow back to work...blah

here is an odd thought...do you know who bruce greenwood the actor is?

this man just gets better looking with age. i never thought of him as "bangable", but i definitely do now, and you know my theory on older men.

do you know House is the same age as me?

remember michael schoeffling? sixteen candles? i had the hots for him so bad back then, thinking why couldn't they make boys look like that when i was in school and today found out he is just a year younger than me.....OH GOD I AM GETTING SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OLD.

oh well, enough of my nonsense....time to relax and blend in with the bed. tata is sitting in my room bundled up like she is in your country. it's like 40-50 degrees in my room, i think that is plenty warm. i am sitting in shorts and a tank top....

okay love you!
BBB

Pics

2009-12-05T21:38:00.000-08:00

the one on the left is John (my "newphew" and Josh Burkman, a UFC fighter
the one above is John and Jens "lil evil" Pulver

John wrote and told me that Randy Couture, Matt Hughes, and Jeremy Horne will be coming in the next few months.
then tonight they announced on the UFC finales that Chuck Liddell and Tito Ortiz are going to be coaching the next series. I was so stoked. I love CHUCK! he was on dancing with the stars, but I don't watch that. But I am excited over anything UFC.

Tony" The Freak" Fryklund and John

here is a pic of CHUCK!!!!

gonna go to sleep. Love you BBB

PENIS FORESKIN???

2009-12-05T17:56:00.000-08:00

HYSTERICAL!!!!!

Just taking a break from phone calls and decorating.. My Mom called and filled me in on how my sister is forever critisizing everything I do and I know she does because she tries to do the same to me but in a much less bitchy way so I know how she is. Today her bitch is that I spend my money on junk for the kids and too much stuff for "lit'l one" and that I'm letting my car fall apart, none of which is true. Unlike her I chose to take my money and actually pay my bills and even after spending nearly all of my cash I'm still a month behind. She said, "I thought you zeroed out your bills." I said, "In as much as I could, getting them paid to where I'm only a month behind is zeroing them out to me." When I get sick of her bullshit I call her Suze Orman. And ya' know, if she had her finances in order I might listen but she doesn't. She has two homes and that property because of the sweat of my parents, who, she owes over $125k to, just FYI. And as far as my car is concerned. Months ago my sister's husband told me that I needed to get my tires rotated before the snow falls. I'm like, "I will." Well I didn't and my sister mentioned it to me again and told me that her husband is really upset because I travel with "lit'l one" in my vehicle and he likes that little guy. First of all, I don't jump when her husband tells me I should do something and I NEVER will! Second, my vehicle is fine. I have an appt. for Monday to get the tires rotated and to have that computer analysis done on it because the "check engine" light came on yesterday. The mechanic said not to worry, it's probably just the gas cap, which apparently is some kind of issue in newer cars. He said if it starts flashing then I'll have problems. I got my oil changed today and my vehicle, again, is fine. My sister's husband is pissed because when I got a $2000 check I didn't immediately get my tires rotated. Well call me fucking stupid but I'm thinking rent, utilities, food, clothing, gas, insurance are all a little more important than rotating tires and when you immediately take the $800 off the top that I owed my Mom.. Hhhhmmm... How much does that leave for the neccessities of living let alone rotating of tires??? I'm so pissed right now I don't even want to speak to my sister but of course, no sooner had I gotten off the phone with my Mom then she called. I was short, very short and I'm quite certain she knew I was pissed but she never ever even attempts to open that can of whoop ass because she knows I will come unglued. Her other bitch of the day was that my Mom is spending Christmas Eve at my house and then Christmas day. My Mother was under the impression that my sister was working Christmas, she works every other fucking holiday so now my sister feels slighted and she says to me, "Well, I have Christmas and the next 2 days after that off so I'll be here for Christmas... Uh, how long is Mother staying at your house on Christmas day?" I'm like, "I have no idea, I guess until she wants to go home." My sister says, "Oh.. Well, if she wants to see me on Christmas I'll be here." What fucking ever! Ya' know whatever happened to the whole family getting together for the holidays??? When I lived in Idaho my sister there and her husband spent every holiday with us. My sister here, her husband goes nowhere, he expects everyone to come to him but only for a certain amount of time and only when he says so. It's total bullshit.. Anyway. I'll probably be back on later for some more bitching because I have lots of decorating to do yet but I just really needed to get this off my chest.

Oh, and before I forget. Take some pics of your fighter and post them here so I can see and of those other two fighters. I'm going to check into who these guys are.
Back later.
BFF

funny and not

2009-12-04T18:42:00.000-08:00

so today at work my mind was in the off switch when it came to actually working. not that i didn't work, i just really had to push myself to do any work. i am so afraid, as tired as i am, i will make some major mistakes. so i am talking to a co worker today about fudge and candy and such. she is planning on making those chocolate things that have peanuts in them, peanut clusters? anyway, she was chewing something and saying she couldn't find the peanuts with the skin on them, but it kept sounding like she was saying she couldn't find the penis with the skin on it. so i was saying penis and she was saying peanuts, back and forth until she said you know the ones with the skin on it? i said you mean the foreskin? and she busted out laughing so hard, the boss heard and was yelling something from his office at us, so i yelled back he needed to separate us, cuz it was getting bad. he yelled back that's what he was afraid of. that was about the excitement of the day.

so my fighter told me randy coulture and jeremy horn is now also scheduled to come down and train. course my fighter was excited and they are big names in the business.

well not only am i tired, but i have to roll to the sweat room and evacuate my bowels. gotta go!
BBB

GREETINGS FROM THE XANAX BITCH!

2009-12-04T16:12:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
Holy hell, talk about adverse effects!!! You thought I was a bitch before??? This Xanax is turning me into Satan himself! My sister of course was the first to notice.. I haven't been putting up with her shit. She wants me to go to the doc pronto, which, if I could I would but not this weekend, sorry, he's not in, he's only in on Wednesdays. I thought about stopping all the meds he gave me except for the Cymbalta which I've been on for almost 2 yrs. now but apparently you can't just stop meds all of the sudden so I guess it's a weekend at Lucifer's Palace, wanna' come over???

I'm sorry you feel like dead man walking. That totally blows. Have you thought about getting a second opinion because I seriously think if you're coughing up liquids n' gunk there's something going on with your lungs.

My "Princess" has to have an ulta sound done on Monday. She has excess fluid in her pelvis. WTF?? And the doc thinks she may have an enlarged cyst on her ovary. She's had enlarged cysts before so I'm hoping it's only that. You know how paranoid I am about the whole cancer thing.. Which I'm not even going to go into on this post.

Oh hey, did you see someone from Ottawa, Ontario visited our blog? It's because of the labels I'm telling you. So I put up a "follow" box just in case anyone wants to follow us and the fascinating lives we lead, and we so do lead fascinating lives! Maybe someone will read it and give us our own sitcom... We should have our own cable show! We should be totally opinionated people watchers of the famous and not so famous and/or not at all famous and then we can just kick back and critique them or comment on something they've said or their hair, outfits.. Give them kudos when they deserve it.. Like Tiger Woods.. Despite the fact that he's a loser fuck around, money or not, I still give him kudos for not laying one hand on his wife while she was beating the shit out of him, maybe it was the fact that somewhere underneath his lying cheating loser fuck around ass, there lies a gentleman or maybe it was because he knew she'd fucking kill him.. Whatever his reasoning, and he doesn't seem to have much lately, kudos for not hitting a woman.

On that note my dear bestest friend in the whole wide wide world....... I'm outta' here!

I love you!
BFF

ho hum

2009-12-04T12:45:00.000-08:00

another day of exhaustion here. the coughing will not go away, it gets bad in the night time and i don't get much sleep. i feel like the walking dead i am so tired. gonna try to sleep the evening away today, so i can get out and do something tomorrow. have to much to do to want to lay around and cat nap all day. well, gotta head back to the mine where i whistle while i work.
ciao
bbb

my thoughts, be them good or bad!

2009-12-02T16:46:00.001-08:00

#1 son sounds like he will get more benefits than what you listed. It sounds like a high fluting place. Soooooo, if he plays his cards right, maybe he could become a gigolo/boy toy of some one that would take care of his needs, physically/emotionally/monetarily. I don’t think this is a bad thing; he just needs to remember that it would be her money and to act accordingly. And to be very careful with his heart, he needs to think about sex as just sex, don’t become involved, but for God’s sake, wear a freaking condom. He doesn’t need to hook up with another loser.

I did go to the doctor today and guess what? After getting the chest x-rays and blood work, there is nothing wrong with me. Huh? I knew this is what it was going to say, it always says I am in great health. So he says something about heartburn and I knew where he was going with that. My sister has reflux and it makes her cough, so of course, now I am going to be on reflux meds. AND he gave me an inhaler, even though I told him that I don’t have problems breathing. I feel like I have a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat, then I start to cough and it gets worse and worse as I start coughing harder and harder. These are two things we are going to “try” to see if they won’t help. We are slowly narrowing down the problem, or are we? Huh? The coughing just keeps getting harder and harder. I am taking a cocktail of meds at night now, including the sleeping pills, Robitussin, and Nyquil; the last two together to try to stop the coughing at night, but it only lasts a couple of hours, then I wake up and I am exhausted at work, I come home and about pass out. Blah. Tell your sister to back off-it must be nice to have perfect sleep. Tell her to put an alarm clock on, set for every hour and half, she has to get out of bed and wonder the house, preferably with a nail in her shoe giving her pain, then after 20 minutes, she can go back to bed. Then she won’t be able to go right back to sleep, but will have to get back up in 1 ½ hours again and start the process over. Ha! That would show her!

I tried to have Tata and I hang up lights, but she is really digging her heels in the ground about not wanting to do it. I tried the other night and then again today at noon. We have a ton of lights; I just want to try a little bit.

Tata is working Christmas so this should make for an interesting holiday. Someone is going to get bent out of shape, I can feel it coming.

The bonus was phenomenal, but the taxes chopped it in half and I mean in half. I was shocked! I was kinda expecting at least ¾ of it, but NO! Half! I feel like Eddie Murphy talking about marriage, HALF! Oh well, I will figure out another way to do what needs to be done.

Okay, nothing new here. Ttyl your BBB

I'M ALIVE.. SOMEWHAT..

2009-12-01T23:45:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
Your Thanksgiving sounds like it could've done without the "drama queen." Holy hell, what is her issue? She's a good person at her core and I will forever believe that but these choices she is making and this attitude.. She really needs to get it in check. She needs to see a therapist and work thru some of these things. She had/has an excellent Mother and Grand-Mother, both amazing role models for independent women, not to mention her little sister getting out there and rolling her sleeves up getting in the game. E.D. has done nothing from which she cannot bounce back, WE did it! And were it not for those precious babies I would say "tough love" would be the route to take but you really can't do that when there's lit'l ones that need your love and tending to. What a tuff spot for you to be in not only as a Mother but as Grandma.. I know Y.D. is watching and learning from all of this..

Kudos on your raise and bonus AND having the boss man actually come in and commend you on a job well done, you're right, that rarely happens. I am so, so happy for you Carol... This has been a long time coming for you and no one deserves it more than YOU!

I'm very sorry that you're still sick. Have you been to the doc? Sounds like you have fluid in your lungs and that sounds like pneumonia! You really, really need to be seen. Please do so... I worry about you all the time!

Life here has been all about me getting used to these meds. I swear to God I fall asleep at the drop of a hat, not good sleep mind you but sleep of sorts which is more than I was getting before so I am happy. Now if I could sleep at normal times that would be great. My lit'l sis is constantly harping on me about taking naps in the middle of the afternoon but I honestly don't have a choice. My eyes just get heavy and I nod off. I'm taking everything the way I'm supposed to except on the days when I have to pick Seth up and/or drop him off, then I can't have any of these meds in my system, impossible to drive!

I took #1 son to do some paperwork for his new job. He has absolutely got to hang onto this job Carol. Check out the benefits he gets...

IMMEDIATE UPON HIRE -

40% discount on food/beverage
20% discount off merchandise at Boyne Country Sports
Discounted golf privileges
Discounted ski privileges
Discounted water park privileges
Tennis privileges
Bike rentals
Ski rental
Discounted ski lessons
Direct deposit
7 paid holidays at time and a half if worked
Bereavement pay
Marriage leave pay
Referral bonuses
Service recognition awards
Company sponsored events

AT 90 DAYS -

Medical, dental, vision, life, AFLAC and flex coverage at 90 days.
Room discounts for self and family at 90 days

ONE YEAR -

401K after a yr.
30% discount on merchandise at Boyne Country Sports after a yr.
Tuition reimbursement (full or part time students) after a yr.
Paid vacation after a yr.

I think this is just awesome and what a great opportunity for him. He can put "lit'l one" on his insurance so "the bitch" will stop bitching and come time for "lit'l one" to go to school, son #1 will have it totally together and "lit'l one" will go here instead of that bomb dump "the moron" lives in!

I've been feeling like a zombie and trying to function as such is near impossible. I have no energy what-so-ever and yet I have decorating to get done. I had son #3 bring some boxes up for me earlier... Thought I might just stay up and get done what I am able before I slip into my coma again. My lit'l sis will dispute the fact that I'm up late at night and rather than being up I should just lie in bed until I fall asleep again. I keep trying to tell her that it doesn't work that way but she refuses to listen.. She knows everything.. It's not my fault my body is off kilter right now. I too would love nothing more than to go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6am. In fact that is my goal but right now it's not possible and it sucks and I don't need to hear about my irratical sleep patterns every single day from some one who hasn't the slightest clue about what it's like to live in excruciating pain day in, day out and to not be able to go to sleep like a normal person. Does she seriously think I arrange my schedule to be like this??? I like not sleeping, I like being in pain??? I just hate it when people don't get it..

Anyway, I need to go.. I feel a coma coming on. Please let me know when you're heading to the doc.
Luv U
BFF

whistle while you work?

2009-12-01T17:48:00.000-08:00

Another day, another dollar, well, kinda. The vibe around work is odd lately. The vibe around the house is getting a wee bit better. I still haven’t managed to get the lights hung and when I told Tata about it, she said, let’s not do it, so I think that might be the plan.

I am hoping that everything comes together for Christmas. Some of the presents I ordered are on back order, go figure. And then these presents are for Nic of all kids.

Saturday, Tata and I have to go Christmas shopping for presents for the stockings held at work. I tried to get the whole parts house to participate, but the bitch was snide when she said no one on that side of the street would be interested. Yet when I talked to Tata and Kat, the parts driver, they jumped all over it and wanted to be included.

I am so lazy this year, I think because of the way I have been feeling. Lately it is getting worse again, it hurts so much to cough anymore. But I promised to help an organization get gifts for a program this weekend. I got some, but I didn’t get nearly what was expected. I just have been so blah, that’s a good word. I don’t have the energy to have the enthusiasm to get excited. Oh well.

Tomorrow I will get to see the next paycheck where I have a bonus and raise. I already know approximately how much, but I kind of am excited to actually see what it is. I need to get stuff paid and get ready for the next couple of weeks. Then in two weeks I have to have enough food to feed an army, they do a feed the face kind of things for about 14 days. Everyone who works in the office brings stuff on a day appointed to you. There is no getting out of it, otherwise, I probably would.

My boss was pretty cool today. When he came in to tell me about what to expect on the pay check, he also said a big thank you for helping him with all the extra stuff I have been doing; going to WA, taking over some other duties that I didn’t have before, just letting him know how things kinda work. It was nice to have a thank you, cuz those are very hard to come by at work nowadays.

Oh well, ttyl

Your BBB

...and the fun never stops!

2009-11-29T10:35:00.000-08:00

E.D.=eldest daughter

E.G.=eldest grandson

M.G.=Middle grandson

Y.D.=youngest daughter

Y.G.=youngest grandson

I totally hear where you are coming from. Sleep, oh, blessed sleep! I have always said, give me my 8 hours of sleep (all eight hours) and I am the happiest I could possibly be. Less than that and I am not a happy camper, not by choice, I am more a zombie than anything.

I stepped on the scale yesterday. It groaned when it saw me coming, but as I started to stop on it, it started snap, crackling, and popping. Dirty bastard! I hate being this weight, I hate it, I hate it, and I hate it! You know how you want to starve just to lose weight and then you got eat something cuz you are so upset? That is so totally me. I am eating my weigh (pun) to disability at the rate I am going.

Thanksgiving was totally a familiar thing. E.D. threw a fit and decided she wanted to walk away, cuz grandma made her angry. I don’t even want to do Christmas with eldest. Every time we gather as a family, she gets angry and throws a fit. So anyway, she goes to the frig after we have eaten, even after the dessert and grandma tells her not to eat from the Ziploc bag; M.D. had packed the bag for her for lunch at work; a concept that E.D. has no clue about. Now E.D. feels like grandma is calling her fat (which she is, she is getting huge, over 250 I am betting) so she grabs the Y.G. and says they are walking. I just look at her, cuz I am not her freaking chauffer. Meanwhile, seeing she was not going to get her way, she calmed down a bit.

So, let’s go back one day, so E.G. was dropped off by his father, but she couldn’t take him, cuz she was going out partying. So E.G. ends up at grandma’s house for the night. Then on thanksgiving, E.D. doesn’t bring M.G. because he is with his other grandma. Now E.G. has not seen M.G. and really misses seeing him. E.D. has decided she is going to Boise for the weekend to watch the BSU game with aunt. She is planning on taking Y.G. (When I had spoken to her a couple of days earlier, she had told me she was taking Y.G. to the game, even though he has been sick. I was disgusted by this and let her know. ) So now we are at grandma’s house and I am informed by E.D. that I am to take her to Boise after dinner. I told her I there was no way I was taking her to Boise, so now she is angry again. So when asked, E.G. says he wants to go to my house, not hers for the night. I end up dropping her at a friend’s house.

So Saturday arrives and the phone starts to ring early in the morning. (Remember, I like you, just want to sleep. Friday night was one of the worst nights in the last 16 weeks of this coughing. I felt like I was drowning in the middle of the night, cuz now, fluid is coming up when I cough.) My mom is going to take E.G. home, we had planned on this going down on Sunday when E.D. would ride with mom to do the deed, but E.D. is still in Boise. Mom is wanted to miss the traffic of everyone going home. She says that M.D. can go with her, cuz I didn’t want to be in the car and have a coughing fit; they hurt and give me instant headaches. M.D. is pissed, why does she get volunteered to do things she doesn’t want to. Then we get a call from E.D. who wants to know when we are coming to pick her up. I was pissed. I told her I did not get that memo and there was no way I was going up there to pick her up. She says that she planned on E.G. spending the day with his aunt and then we were going to bring her home. OH NO YOU DI’INT! By the time all the phone calls between grandma and E.D. I told E.G. to get his clothes on and I would take him now. So the phone is ringing and ringing and I ignore it and spend the next 5 hours in the car driving E.G. home. I love that guy and wish he lived closer. But as we were walking out the door M.D. is putting clothes on to go. I look at her and tell her there is no way she is going with me. I tell her I can’t get her to do anything around the house without asking her, why the hell do I want her going with me? She gets angry and storms away in the house.

So this morning, Sunday, I am sleeping cuz again, not a good night; I am having to sleep sitting up, still have coughing fits, when the phone starts ringing early. I don’t answer it, cuz it is too early to get up, but it continues. Finally I get up and it is M.D. wondering if I was awake. I understand that she is working and it gets boring when you are by yourself at her job, but I just wanted to sleep. Only good thing I can say is that I can take a nap in a little while.

Oh here is another good one-welfare is now offering once a year a $200 voucher that can be used to quit smoking or join a gym; it's called preventative health. Okay so here is my beef-IF YOU HAVE TIME TO GO TO THE GYM, YOU HAVE TIME TO GET A FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And this goes to E.D.! I can't believe that the government is stepping in and giving them more bullshit money to be used on shit. Fuck, if they have money to smoke, then they shouldn't be on welfare! Fuck these people who have excuses for everything, including why they can't get a job. E.D. won't go to job fair, cuz that means it's she may have to get a job. I am so fucking pissed over this shit. We don't have enough money for elderly, but we can now throw away $200 per useless person not wanting to work on welfare. Okay, now my adrenaline is up. And why is it that E.D. gets to go out and party pretty much every Wednesday; that is why E.G. couldn't stay with her the day before Thanksgiving, cuz she was going out? These welfare people would be so pissed at me if I were running the system. I would take blood monthly to insure they were not doing drugs or smoking if they wanted to be on welfare. I can't believe how easy it is for them. I remember being on welfare and wanting a job so bad so that I could get off of it. I begged to be in the guinea pig program they were holding to train people on getting jobs, they weren't even going to offer it to me. They had showed up at my neighbors house and she had told them hell no, but when I asked if they were going to my house, they told me no, so I begged to be put on the list. That was the beginning of the best part of being a job holder.

.ttyl, your BBB

THANKSGIVING, BLACK FRIDAY AND EARLY SATURDAY MORN...

2009-11-28T04:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
Boy you sound like me! Between the two of us I think we could easily sleep for the next 500 yrs.! And that's no joke! Even as I type this my eyes are closed and I'm weaving on my seat. How crazy is that? I'd go back to bed but I'd just lie there awake and have coughing fits, unfortunately in a few moments I may not have a choice.

I've took my meds - all exept for that cream - on time yesterday. Went to bed at midnight and woke up at 5:30am. It wasn't a straight sleep, I had the coughing spells but hey, it's a start right?

How was your Thanksgiving besdies tiring?? Mine was much the same. I made enough food for a small army, don't know how to cook for small groups. Totally missed out on Black Friday. #1 son woke me at 4am and in my mind I said, "just 5 more minutes.." Well you know how that goes. I called my sister and apologized. She was fine.. She didn't want to go anyway. I totally get why my Dad always said he'd pay extra on down the road, he wasn't missing out on his sleep. I totally get it...

Today is my last day to actually rest before having to take Seth back. I've instructed the boys that they are to get my lights hung outside today, no ifs, ands or butts. I want my house decorated damn it!

We got our first snow Thanksgiving evening. It was really coming down when I was taking my Mom home.. I loved it. She hated it.. Then after I dropped her off she called me every five minutes to make sure I was driving safe and making it home safely.. Are you kidding me, I was totally in my element!

Ran out of tea bags so I've been drinking hot water and surprisingly I like it.. Wonder if it's good for your body to be drinking hot water..

Sry but I must run.. Can't see any longer and just took my morning Xanax a few moments ago.

I love you bunches as always.
BFF

short and sweet?

2009-11-27T05:52:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a long day. I got up early, went back to sleep, slept till 11, had to get up and go to Mountain Home. I was soooo tired up there, I could barely move. Finally got home and played with eldest grandson for a while, then was out again.

I am up again early and , again, I am going back to sleep shortly. I think maybe if I get enough sleep, then I might be able to battle this, cuz the cough seems to have gotten worse again.

I bet the people are nuts out there this morning, being black friday and all. Just glad I am not out there.

Well, off I go, ttyl.

scattered thoughts

2009-11-25T12:29:00.000-08:00

I was just sitting here trying to think of some thing to say for the title to you. And then I started thinking, why do you get interesting last names. I was thinking "have a very berry..." and "the moore the merrier".
What's up with that?

I got off early today, thanks to the boss, which I am thankful for. Not much sleep, yet again. The coughing is getting gross now, it is starting to get a flem based action. Yuck!

I talked to the neighbor's hubby and told him I wanted the emergency bills, but he kept saying no. I still need to see her, she was not at home a little while ago.

NEW MEDS

2009-11-25T12:14:00.000-08:00

I love my new doc. Totally, totally gets me. We both agreed on no narcotics. He did say however, that if the pain is too much we may have to go that route. I choose not to and I'm hoping it doesn't get to that point.

The new meds -

Capsasian, a cream to rub on my feet 3x a day. It works on the pain on the surface and just below the surface of my feet.
Tramadol, a pill that I take 3x a day - 50mg per pill - It works on the brain and how the brain processes the pain.
Xanax, an anxiety pill. I take 2 at bedtime.

I lost over 12lbs. - not trying, not a good sign. - My doc made me an appt. with my new oncologist for Jan. 6th. I'm also enrolled in a sleep study for chronic insomnia but I don't know when that will start. Some time after the 1st of the year I imagine.

So, that's it, that's all. I actually kept my appt. and I'm really proud of myself for that. I was so scare and just between you, me and the fence post I am scared shitless about the up coming appts. Carol. I don't want to die... My kids... I can't even think about it.

Okay, nap time and then baking. I love you bunches.
BFF

DR. APPT., NAP AND THEN THE BAKE OFF BEGINS!

2009-11-25T06:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
Just a quick note. Getting ready to jump in the shower. My dr. appt. is at 10:45am. Very nervous about going, don't want to go, don't like dr.'s and especially don't like going close to holidays, always bad news.. My goal is to get sleep meds and/or pain meds, if he gives me that I am ready for anything! I just want to sleep!!!!! When I get home I'll take a brief nap and then it'll be balls to the wall baking, cooking, prepping and decorating. A busy, busy, busy day!!! Keep the coffee coming!
BFF

WOW!

2009-11-24T19:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
That totally blows about the neighbor.. She's not the kind to sue is she? Our dog bit our neighbor in Boise and I ended up paying for the medical bills. Thank God they didn't come after me for permanant scarring but it was a nip on the back of the little boy's calf. In defense of your dog, she was probably thinking she was just doing her job.. Man, what a way to get woke up! Holy hell. Have you been able to go back to sleep??

I have a dr. appt. tomorrow. Thank God it's in the morning. The only thing I want him to tend to tomorrow is getting me to get some sleep! Period. I was supposed to have gotten a chest xray 3 weeks ago and never did but since I switched to this doc I don't see the point. If he wants a chest xray I suppose he'll order it. I'll bring it up to him that the other doc wanted one.

I was going to start baking tonight but I don't know if I'll get to it. Depends on how I'm feeling a little later. Right now I'd like to just go to bed and relax. I got my shopping done, now it's all about the prep. Plus this house needs to get in order big time. Tomorrow the boys will do the lights outside and I will, between baking and prep, get the tree moved and decorated, and hopefully put up more decorations.

Right now I'm watching that show "Sons of Anarchy." It's really good. It has Peg Bundy in it and that guy that played the beast in that old tv show "Beauty and the Beast" with Linda Hamilton. It's all about bikers.

Anyway, I'm out. I may be back, I may not... Feeling kinda' blah... Hate being totally infused by stress and the urgency to get things done and just go, go, go all day and then totally crash at night...

Luv U. - Sry you had a shitty night.

BFF

PS - I look forward to reading more about your UFC guy. You should post some pics here.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2009-11-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

Dear KK

I am continual tired. I almost took a nap in my office at lunch today. Instead I came home after work, checked the TV guide and realized TADA! Nothing was on the tube tonight, thank God! I laid on the bed, remote closed tightly in my fist, cat jumps up and lays on my chest, and I fall asleep. I was out like a light, when a banging came from the door and my dog started barking like the world was ending. I was pissed until I realized it was the neighbor coming over to get their turkey from the freezer. I hear Tata yell at the dog, then I hear "Are you okay? She's never done that before." Okay, now I jump up and race for the door. The neighbor is standing outside with a deep puncture wound in her leg and an unbelievably large bruise forming from whence the dogs teeth formed. The dog bit the inside of her leg, not around the leg, but straight on. There is a HUGE oval forming up and down her thigh. I cannot believe this happened, I am pissed at the dog, I even state I will take the dog out and shoot her, if it wil make my neighbor feel better.

My dog hates the neighbor's dog. One time the dog got in my yard and my dog had that dog by the neck and was flinging it around. I know my dog knows this is the owner of that dog and that is why she bit her. I just don't know what to do to ease the tension now. I did give her some painkillers, cuz it looked BAD.

I do have to tell you, Tata and I are going to be the only sponsors of a up and coming UFC fighter. We will be getting ring side tickets, shirts, and back stage passes. I am tickled I could help him.

SHOPPING DAY, HOUSE CLEANING..

2009-11-24T06:11:00.000-08:00

ANOTHER DUMBASS MOMENT: I almost ate a button thinking it was a peanutbutter Ritzbitz!!!!

MOST DISGUSTING MOMENT OF THE DAY: Having to go pee after son #2 just dropped a corpse in the toilet and then having a coughing spasm whilst sitting amongst the corpse stench having to suck said stench into my lungs in an attempt to fucking breathe! - I nearly vomitted.

DUMBASS MOMENT OF THE DAY: Laying down for a nap, waking up a couple of hours later and seeing the same bubbles and dishes in the kitchen sink that I meant to get to before I fell asleep and thinking, wow, either time stood still in our kitchen sink or that's some damn good dish liquid! - It was neither. Son #2 had just re-ran the water because it had gone cold..

Dear Carol,
Good Morning! #3 son woke me up this morning to hitch a ride to school. Actually, he wasn't trying to hitch a ride, he was telling me that he woke up late because he didn't hear his alarm. I told him to go start the car because that's his job when he wants a ride to school, the car has to be warm and windows defrosted. Then he says, "but I'm not even dressed yet and it's 20 til." To which I say, "well then you better go get dressed and start the car." He schleps away and it's only as we're pulling out of the driveway that the ulterior motive of the whole "let's wake up Mom and tell her I over slept," comes out... Today is their last day to be in school before Thanksgiving break! He didn't want to go because, and I quote, "we're not gonna' be doing anything anyway, even the teachers said we're not gonna' be doing anything." Interestingly enough he says this every time I ask about homework or how sick he is reeeaaallly. Anymore unless he's running a fever and projectile vomiting he goes to school. A couple of weeks ago tho I did have a teacher call me and tell me to keep him home because he was having coughing fits in school and running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to blow his nose. In any event, he woke me up! His saving grace today was that I have to go to the grocery store and finish my Thanksgiving shopping otherwise his head would be on the chopping block trust you me!

So, the start to my day? High tailing it to "Glen's" to shop and then coming home to clean house, bake and decorate the Christmas tree. The rest of the men folk will be hanging lights outside! - Tis the season!
BFF

LOOOONNNNGGGG NITE

2009-11-23T23:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
Okay, first I have to know why you're looking at camping trailers???? Don't get any ideas that you'll be moving your ass into the woods and I won't find you cuz' I will. I'll be like a dog with a bone so if that's your plan I just want you to know I'm on to you and it won't work!

Oh my God, the more you tell me about work the more I'm glad I don't! I remember those people... The ones who come and go as they please. It's like, why bother coming in at all?? What's the point?? And management never seems to notice or if they do they're so passive aggressive that they do nothing. Ya' know I was watching a PBS show about these communities that are popping up all over and they use what is called local currency, they print it up and they use it in their own communities and they barter. It was really interesting and I really want to go visit one of them. They have their own stores and they use their local currency in them. Very, very interesting to me. Of course the ones who aren't fortunate enough to have windmills still have to pay "the man" but as their communities progress "the man" will cease to exist and I think that will be wonderful. Anyway, just something I'm going to keep an eye on.

Yes, you told me about your UFC guy and I think it's absolutely wonderful of you and "Miss T" to be part of his journey. And you're right. It's not often that you get the opportunity to be a part of someone fulfilling their passion and seeing their dreams come to fruition. Kudos to you and "Miss T."

My idea to take "lit'l one" Thanksgiving shopping with me was not my greatest idea. I got maybe 12 items in my cart and decided it was time to leave and head over to my sisters to let "lit'l one" run off some excess energy. We did have fun tho. Imaginary snowball fights in the Jeep complete with sound effects and Christmas music. "Lit'l one" sure loves my sister and all of her animals.

After I dropped "lit'l one" back home I snagged #2 son and went into Petoskey to Walmart and I bought my white Christmas tree for a whopping $35! 6.5 ft. tree WITH lights! I thought it was a steal and totally what I needed to put together my "Frosty The Snowman" theme. It's not a huge fluffy tree but I have enough stuff to fill in the thin spots. I bought some more "Frosty" ornaments and I found a really cool blue wreath to put above the fireplace. It's a little smaller than I wanted but I'll put something on either side to balance things out, it'll be cool. I couldn't find a "Frosty" hat ANYWHERE so I went to JoAnne Fabrics and bought some black felt thinking I'm just going to have to make his hat. The cashier suggested I go to the Goodwill store next door and I was like, "I'm not putting some old dead guy's hat on my "Frosty The Snowman" brand new Christmas tree but thanks anyway." The two women in line started laughing but I was serious! It'd be my luck the hat I picked out would've previously belonged to some old black guy and the lights on the tree would heat it up and my whole house would smell like a fucking Jerry Curl!!! I'm in search of "Frosty The Snowman" like stuffed animals (only a snowman of course) too.

Oh #2 son and I also went to the most fabulous Chinese buffet too... So, so yummy!

Came home, put the tree up, hung the "Frosty" door flag or whatever you call it, it goes from the top of the door down to the bottom. Very cute. I played with "lit'l one", he helped with the tree. He's so, so funny. I bought him a "Frosty" that you squeeze his foot and he lights up and sings the "Frosty" song, the real one by Jimmy Durante. I love it and so does "lit'l one", he danced to it all night. He's so excited to help me decorate it tomorrow! And he's going to help me with Thanksgiving dinner too. God I just love that little boy so much.. I so enjoy his company, his wonderful spirit and he's so stinkin' funny!

I talked with my sis out in Idaho tonight. No one will go shopping with her on "Black Friday" and she's totally bummed. I would so be going with her were I there. Talked with my Mom a little bit ago. She's up all night too. #3 son is asking for a laptop for Christmas and has been keeping me abreast of pricing. I'm not getting him one, I'm getting myself one. And I know that sounds mean but I don't care. I deserve my own computer. I'm going to get the small one, the note pad I guess it's called. I don't need it for games or anything like that, I just need to get on here and FB and check my mail. Read the news, blah, blah. #3 son is going to be sooooooooooooooo mad!

Heading to bed. It is now 2:18am.

As always, I love you bunches!

Your BFF

labor laws

2009-11-23T16:38:00.000-08:00

I think that there should be labor laws that actually allow me to stay at home and sleep. They would also let me go to work when I wanted to. I think that I would probably put in more work, if I were more rested. Then there is the lady that will go into labor anytime. She comes and goes at work per her will, course this was happening before the shirt began to shrink up front.

I can't remember the last time I had a full night sleep, I know it's been over a year, but I think it actually was longer than that. Aw, to be young and not have worries or sickness.

Tata and I are going to sponsor a UFC fighter. I don't know if you know anything about it, but we are throwing our hats into the ring and gonna help this guy. He is actually like family, elder daughter #1 calls him her cousin. It's kinda exciting, cuz this is something he really wants to do, a passion and I get to help. It's not often you can help someone fulfill a passion.

THANK GOODNESS THAT THIS WEEK IS A SHORT WEEK! Have son number #2 sing Hallelujah for me a couple of times.

I have to tell you, you had two people rolling with laughter yesterday. I was telling them the story of you wrapping the rocks in tin foil, the haybale/cemetary, and the scavenger hunt.

I did see the Adam segement yesterday and did not like it very much. I like that he was risque, but the music was actually hard to hear, so I mangaged to get the song and I like it!

I was looking at camper trailers today, thinking, that maybe..........

love you, can't say miss you, cuz I ain't aiming!
your BBB

OFFICIAL GOOD MONDAY MORNING!

2009-11-23T05:05:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
Hhhhmmm... I was actually sleeping when boy child #3 came in and WOKE ME UP to drive him to school!!! In all fairness to #3 and quite possibily his only saving grace from a life of continuous child labor, is that I do recall asking him to wake me up because I needed to go grocery shopping... UGH!!! In the words of Pink... "I"m a hazzard to myself!"

Anyway, I have nothing earth shattering to share so I won't bore you any further, besides, I already have like what, a hundred posts??? I'm such a post hog!

Hope you're having a GREAT day!!! I miss you and love you bunches, always, always.

Your very own personal BFF!!!

JUST IN CASE YOU MISSED HIM... ADAM LAMBERT 2009 AMA'S

2009-11-23T01:11:00.001-08:00

2nd ATTEMPT AT TRYING TO SLEEP...

2009-11-23T01:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
Oh look! I'm awake! Wow! I think I nodded off the 1st time around 10:30pm and now here I am up... Not for the day, trust me.

#2 son is still up.. Hhhhmmm.. This only means he'll be sleeping the day away.. Whatever.. Right now he's making me a cup of hot tea. I'm still trying to get over this "bug" or whatever it is that decided to land in my head and chest and stay.. It's not cancer related because when I blow my nose it's neon green so it's definitely a "bug" of some sort. Good thing I'm going to the doc on Wednesday. Maybe he'll give me some anti-biotics! What a concept! Maybe he'll give me something for my pain too and maybe, just maybe he'll give me something to help me sleep! THAT would be the million dollar prescription as far as I'm concerned. I just want to sleep!

WOW! Didn't mean to be a bitch just now but #2 son brought me my cup of tea, which was wonderfully thoughtful, unfortunately he put enough sugar in it to take down an elephant and altho I may be the size of one, I'm not one and bitch that I am back to the kitchen it went... For a new cup... Sorry...

Checked all my stuff on FB.. Still have about a half hour for one of my virtual meals to come off the stove in "Cafe' World" and then I guess I'll go back to bed and try to sleep..

I feel like hell. My head feels like a giant cotton ball and I want/need someone to do that coning shit to my ears! You know where they do the wax n' all that.. Supposed to do wonders. I'd like to find out!

Went back and put "Dear Carol" in all my posts and added "labels.." The topics my post covers.. We'll now have another box on the right listing all of our "labels." What labels do is send out micro messages to the world wide web so when joe blow in kansas is googling UFC or sleep or kids, etc., our blog will pop up. Funny, huh? A fellow blogger told me about it. Imagine the poor fool who stumbles across our rants.

I am soooooooooooooooo tired! For some reason tho once I get in bed I'm wide awake. I know that's a common problem so wouldn't it stand to reason that there would be a common solution??? Ggggggrrrr... I just cannot deal with this any longer!

Okay.. It's 4am.. I'm heading to bed.. FB is under control.. My tea is now cold.. My jaw is clinched so tight it would take the jaws of life to unhinge it! I can barely keep my eyes open!!!! This could be a good thing.

I'm going to post a video for you..

BFF

1st ATTEMPT AT GOING TO BED

2009-11-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
First, very cool about your UFC sponsorship! Congratulations all around. I've never been to one of those events but I hear they are brutal. I'd be peeking thru my fingers the whole time.. I don't think I could handle it.

I didn't watch "Up." It was on and from the sounds of it "lit'l one" didn't watch it either. He was too wound up from the trip. It usually takes him a day to get back in the swing of things. Tomorrow I am getting up early and taking "lit'l one" grocery shopping with me. - Thanksgiving dinner. - I had planned on going today but I was just too pooped after the ride. It's only 3 hours round trip now instead of 5 but it's still tiring.

I'm taking #1 son to get his license tomorrow. He has to do it because I can no longer be pulled in 50 million directions. Too much running for me, my body just cannot do it anymore. Not sure what his hold up has been up to this point and I don't care, all I know is the buck stops here. The stress in my life is killing me, literally!

I took one and a half darvacet this afternoon and that was relaxing, barely touched the pain but I did manage to drift off to sleep for a bit.

How do you like the boxes I added to the right? Just something to jazz the place up. : )

Well, #1 son and "lit'l one" have gone to bed. Son's #2 and #3 are having a rather loud conversation right next to me. Son #2 is playing a video game and son #3 is chattering away about some kid at school who failed a test because he didn't have his "weed" for the day. - Nice. -

Anyway, I'm heading to bed. I'm sure I'll be up later and I'm sure I'll be writing. Need to take my "crazy" pill... My pup is sitting next to me staring at me.. She knows it's time for bed. If only I could sleep the night thru...

Luv U

BFF

up, up, and away

2009-11-22T17:51:00.001-08:00

Hey BFF

I too, have the movie UP and cried my eyes out in the beginning. I sure am glad I didn't see it at the movies, that would have sucked to start crying. It's a great movie, but sad.

Well, I am an official sponsor of a UFC fighter, both Tata and I are. As a young man, I actually protected him one night, so when I told him I was going to sponsor him, I told him now he could go bust some heads. He will be training with Jens Pulver, Little Evil. I was so excited about that, and then He said that I would be able to go to some bout, that was cool.

I am just finishing UP and will be watching my reality shows here in a moment.

Love you
BBB

AWESOME!

2009-11-22T12:17:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
This is working out well!! Loved your post. The liar is a sociopath to be sure. I'd steer clear of her as much as I could. Those are the people who go on killing sprees.

Yeah, the sentences were somewhat choppy but I understood. I'm sorry your hand is hurting, hell, I'm sorry ALL of you is hurting!!!

Obviously I'm home now. The boys and lit'l one are all chattering away. I'm going to take a nap. I need sleep desparately!!!

The "trade off" was seamless. Idiot didn't bring her ghetto flavor of the month, maybe they broke off, maybe he died a horrible death. Either way I'm equally concerned, which is not at all. Idiot did tell me not to worry about Thanksgiving and Christmas because her birth creature has to work at the sugar beet factory so they'll be celebrating everything a week late. I wasn't worried. Lit'l one, according to the parenting schedule, was to spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with us anyway. - She's an idiot.

We have that movie "Up" but we haven't watched it yet. We were waiting for lit'l one so tonights the night.

Okay, I'm out. I really need to sleep. I'm going to take a darvocet and see if that helps at all.

Your snow flakes sound so pretty. Take some pics and post one on here. - Have you fiddled around with the buttons up there? The picture next to "link" is where you upload photos.

Luv this blog and I love you too!

BFF

Dear K.K.

2009-11-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas. It started snowing outside, it is a mixture of rain and snow. I was just down visiting Tata, when the liar bitch showed up. First a friend named J showed up, and he was telling Tata and I, the Mexican story, a totally different story. She never mentioned the man going to the front desk and grabbing the baby holding it and stating he would hurt the baby if the court didn’t tell him where liar was that. She has so many stories, don't know which are right. He did say, she did go into mexico, but I want to know how, with no passport? And if you were being kidnapped, you wouldn't grab your passport before you left, cuz I think she has one.

So today my plan is to cut more snowflakes I’m debating on whether I should hang them on the walls of my offic, if I do that I have to make more color of one’s. It really takes awhile to making good snowflake I think I like the littler ones that from having why six points instead of a 8 point ones.

I am actually typing this one to you by using my speech recognition program. Hopefully it will stop my hand from hurting. I can’t use it when I’m on my multiple instant messenger, it seems to want to hear other words than what I’m actually saying. So if the sentences don't jive, sorry.

I personally do not think I’m going to do anything grand today I think I will watch the movie UP. It looks like it might be a cute movie.

I can’t believe how cold it is outside and that’s probably why you’re going to get the snow on Thursday I think you said is because we are getting it today but I don’t know how long is going to actually snow. The win outside is brisk and biting on it believable how chilly air early as ready as I sat in my room with the air conditioner on still.

I had been talking to my friend J earlier before I went to the part’s house. We had been talking about the UFC and when one last night’s bout. My friend Mary has a nephew named john who is an ultimate fighter and trains to hopefully go professional. Last night he got to watch the fighting with Jen’s Pulver and J was somewhat jealous over the fact. My friend is a big UFC watcher. When I found out we could’ve went to Nampa and met Jen’s, I think he was even more excited. Jen’s is going to open up a gym in the Nampa, and my friend is thinking that he may go start working out at the gym.

I am going to bounce right now, as I wish to make more snowflakes but I will blog later. Love you.

Your BBB-big beautiful bitch.

SUNDAY SILLINESS

2009-11-22T05:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Carol,
I awoke at 5am and have thus far, done the following:

Spent countless, useless hours on FB, playing 3 useless games and spying on others.
Made coffee.
Washed a load of laundry and put it in the dryer.
Wrapped another "wall present."

Currently I am drinking cold coffee and sitting in my pajamas. - Buzzer just went off on dryer, have to start it again, it takes 2 tumbles to dry a load. Definitely need a new washer and dryer. -

#1 son is asleep on the couch, #2 and #3 are upstairs sleeping in their beds.

It's going to be about 55 here today so I've shut off the heat, perhaps a bit too soon because I'm freezing.

Plans for the day -

Pick up lit'l one from the moron.
Go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving dinner.
Come home and relax.

As you can see, my life is one exciting venture after another.

Time for more coffee - HOT - and to turn the dryer back on.

I hope you like this personal blog made just for you. I thought about starting notebooks in Jan., just writing a little something every day and then when the notebook was filled mailing it to you but I'm such a loser about sending things off, I'll be surprised if I get my Christmas cards out on time!

More later... I know you're sitting on the edge of your seat and biting your nails in anticipation.

Sincerely,
Your BFF