Sometimes the words seem to just clog my throat, cutting off the air to my brain, thus making writing totally out of the question. And yes February was such a month. Dying, moving, not knowing what is coming next. In the process of moving, now that was difficult, whereas before I only paid for phone, internet, satellite, car insurance, now I pay for rent, gas, electricity, new car, phone, internet, car insurance. I can't afford the satellite, but I am kind of loving the over the air high definition. AND I now have to pay for the gas to go back and forth to work, whereas before I lived right there by work. The things we give up to try to make it better for us. I will not be out of the first house until July, thus giving daughter #3 some time to be by herself. Which may be a good thing as we seem to be rubbing each other the wrong way lately.
I feel like such a cripple as of late, I can't even do dishes without having to sit down on a chair at the sink to do them. Therefore, moving things in and out of the houses is next to impossible. I can't wait to get new knees, something I have been fighting for years to get. I think with the new knees, my life will become so much more independent and independence is what I crave for. I hate having to rely on other people.
There was an insurance policy that I found and after talking it over with some people, it looks like it could be a pretty good amount of money. It will be in mother's name, but since talking with my sister and her brilliant idea of using that money to take a family vacation, I think mother will put it in a pool. She was willing to give it to the kids, but I do like the vacation idea. My problem, if I don't have the knees, I won't have the energy or will power to go do anything that requires any walking. AND, like I told my sister, I just am not giving up my fingerprints to big brother, so there will be no passport, thus no out of states vacation. But I want to keep the money in the states anyways. That is one of the reasons that I bought Ford, I am pro America.
Well, the spewing of thoughts has ran out for now, so will say TTFN.
Your BBB
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
BEEN OVER A MONTH.. WHATEVER SHALL I POST?
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February, was to be sure, a month of sorrow and sadness and I wish not to put it behind me but to carry it in my heart forever as I carry Jan. 07' in my heart forever... In my heart our Dad's are healthy and happy and all of the love they disguised or was buried under a life of "have to" or a life of coulda', shoulda', woulda', or even a life of, this is what I so choose, this pure love, this God given love, this life, their love, their lives will be with me always. A source of strength, understanding and wisdom at our beck and call, we are the fortunate ones to have had these men in our lives and so with the sorrow and sadness and pain comes love and smiles of what was, what might have been, what now is and the occassional selfish tear that slides down our cheeks is forgiven.. We, you and I, despite what we thought growing up, were blessed with the exact Daddy's that we needed and for that, I am thankful and will be forever grateful.
March.. Still snowing here, how 'bout there? Two oldest children still workin' their butts off. Daughter starts U of M, Flint this Fall, very excited for her and very proud. Oldest boy is "in love" again... And again.. And again... Boy child 2 is workin' like the dickens to find a job even to the point of volunteering his services to help set up a new clothing store in town, all the while proving to the manager - his soon to be boss - what a hard worker he is, dependable and all around nice guy. Boy child 2 has also been continuing his trips to the local gym and he is is lookin' might fine. It appears as tho the weight is just falling off of him, his face has cleared up, he has totally changed his eating habits and I couldn't be more proud. Boy child 3 is studying for the ACT's. His college of choice. BSU! Now you know I can't just let my baby go off 2,000 miles all by himself... ; )
My whine for the week. - I hurt my back. I have no idea how. I woke up one morning and I was in excruciating pain, still am, despite my lame attempt at making some kind of pain killing cocktail out of valium and tramadol... Clearly it didn't work and thank God... Heath Ledger - God rest his soul - is not who I choose to be...
My ex-boss Tina called me a couple of days ago, HYSTERICAL.. I could barely understand her... She had come back from the dr.'s and she has cancer... She had pollups on her throat and I guess they did a biopsy right then and there and told her immediately that she has cancer. I had to stay in the hospital forever and a year - okay, 4 days - while they biopsied me and poked n' prodded every oravice in my body to the point that I was charging tour fees! Who knew you could get an answer in one day! In any event, my friend has cancer and being a cancer patient myself I of course have not a clue as to what to do for her, primarily I think because I just wanted to be left alone... I never got hysterical once, not once.. I remember being eerily calm throughout the beginning stages and then just sicker than a dog throughout the rest and now all of my complaints of the side effects and it coming back but it's so weird to me how it affects different people in different ways.. She wanted me to tell her that it would be okay and I couldn't.. I don't have enough info. so instead I told her everything no one else was going to tell her, like she will be hanging onto her toilet more than she's ever hung onto any man in her life, her bed will become her home, the phone, the kids, family and friends, everyone is going to annoy the shit out of her at some point. Most days she won't want to get out of bed but she must and she'll be under the total misconception that she can still do all that she used to do, she won't. I told her that if chemo were needed to just go ahead and shave her head and save herself the devastation of having it come out in her hands in the shower or getting up from her pillow and leaving half of her hair behind, just shave it off. For whatever reason, we women are attached to our hair to some degree, I believe it defines us as women, again, to some degree and to feel it, see it, all coming out.. I did cry for days and then I bucked up and had my nephew Garrett just do the deed. Of course clumps of hair came out in his hands and he was horrified but being my nephew, he carried on and shaved me bald and then we took pictures. He and I have the same shaped head. I should put that picture on Ancestry.com.
My boy from h.s. and I are totally kaput and it's just too much bullshit to even go into here... This story will require a phone call.. What a total fucking waste... He has so much potential and 5 yrs. from now will be in the same place he is now... It's sad, it hurts, I miss him but it is not to be...
What's happening on your home front? You know we're being losers at our own blog. My ex-boss is blogging every day about her cancer... I think I wrote a total of 3 pages... I'm in the hospital, I think I have the flu. - No flu, they say it's COPD and they want to do a sleep study on me. - I have cancer...
Blog bitch!
Luv U!
BFF
March.. Still snowing here, how 'bout there? Two oldest children still workin' their butts off. Daughter starts U of M, Flint this Fall, very excited for her and very proud. Oldest boy is "in love" again... And again.. And again... Boy child 2 is workin' like the dickens to find a job even to the point of volunteering his services to help set up a new clothing store in town, all the while proving to the manager - his soon to be boss - what a hard worker he is, dependable and all around nice guy. Boy child 2 has also been continuing his trips to the local gym and he is is lookin' might fine. It appears as tho the weight is just falling off of him, his face has cleared up, he has totally changed his eating habits and I couldn't be more proud. Boy child 3 is studying for the ACT's. His college of choice. BSU! Now you know I can't just let my baby go off 2,000 miles all by himself... ; )
My whine for the week. - I hurt my back. I have no idea how. I woke up one morning and I was in excruciating pain, still am, despite my lame attempt at making some kind of pain killing cocktail out of valium and tramadol... Clearly it didn't work and thank God... Heath Ledger - God rest his soul - is not who I choose to be...
My ex-boss Tina called me a couple of days ago, HYSTERICAL.. I could barely understand her... She had come back from the dr.'s and she has cancer... She had pollups on her throat and I guess they did a biopsy right then and there and told her immediately that she has cancer. I had to stay in the hospital forever and a year - okay, 4 days - while they biopsied me and poked n' prodded every oravice in my body to the point that I was charging tour fees! Who knew you could get an answer in one day! In any event, my friend has cancer and being a cancer patient myself I of course have not a clue as to what to do for her, primarily I think because I just wanted to be left alone... I never got hysterical once, not once.. I remember being eerily calm throughout the beginning stages and then just sicker than a dog throughout the rest and now all of my complaints of the side effects and it coming back but it's so weird to me how it affects different people in different ways.. She wanted me to tell her that it would be okay and I couldn't.. I don't have enough info. so instead I told her everything no one else was going to tell her, like she will be hanging onto her toilet more than she's ever hung onto any man in her life, her bed will become her home, the phone, the kids, family and friends, everyone is going to annoy the shit out of her at some point. Most days she won't want to get out of bed but she must and she'll be under the total misconception that she can still do all that she used to do, she won't. I told her that if chemo were needed to just go ahead and shave her head and save herself the devastation of having it come out in her hands in the shower or getting up from her pillow and leaving half of her hair behind, just shave it off. For whatever reason, we women are attached to our hair to some degree, I believe it defines us as women, again, to some degree and to feel it, see it, all coming out.. I did cry for days and then I bucked up and had my nephew Garrett just do the deed. Of course clumps of hair came out in his hands and he was horrified but being my nephew, he carried on and shaved me bald and then we took pictures. He and I have the same shaped head. I should put that picture on Ancestry.com.
My boy from h.s. and I are totally kaput and it's just too much bullshit to even go into here... This story will require a phone call.. What a total fucking waste... He has so much potential and 5 yrs. from now will be in the same place he is now... It's sad, it hurts, I miss him but it is not to be...
What's happening on your home front? You know we're being losers at our own blog. My ex-boss is blogging every day about her cancer... I think I wrote a total of 3 pages... I'm in the hospital, I think I have the flu. - No flu, they say it's COPD and they want to do a sleep study on me. - I have cancer...
Blog bitch!
Luv U!
BFF
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