2010 - THE YEAR OF MIRACLES

Happy New Year!  Your Christmas sounds like it went smoothly, albeit, the shoe was on the other foot this year as you found yourself not working and "Tata" working her lit'l heart out. 

I am very sorry to hear that you are in so much pain - still.  I would almost want them to remove my knee and replace it with whatever is medically available these days, even if that meant turning you into a "Bionic Woman" of sorts, which, in and of itself would be awesome.

My house is silent.  I just came back from taking son #3 to school.  He had to be there early to catch up on the homework he obviously hasn't been doing.  6 classes and he's failing 3.  I about blew a gasket.  I'm attempting "tough love" but it's not working so of course I threatened him with sending him out to live with his Dad for his Senior year if he doesn't get it together this year.  I am at my wits end...  I tell #3 to go left, he goes right, I say no phone or inet, he sneaks it anyway.  His mouth runs non-stop in such a disrespectful manner, even son #1 had to step in and tell him that that is not how he talks to his Mother.  I am in the parenting home stretch why must this last child be so difficult?  We argue every day and I just don't like it.  I love him so much...

Son #1 and "lit'l one" are sleeping soundly and son #2 is about to get up and get ready so we can go to the social security office.  Finally he is able to get a social security card that matches his birth certificate.  When he was adopted the original birth cert. was destroyed and a new one issued, what was not issued was a new social sec. card so he hasn't been able to fully register for school or work, the social sec. number keeps getting kicked back because it's under his birth name.  Today we will remedy that and son #2 will be walking on sunshine and I will have one less stress/worry/issue to listen to.

I think I've been duped by my daughter and I am hurt so badly by this.  They couldn't come down for Thanksgiving for some reason, I don't even remember, she said we'll be there for Christmas... They didn't make it for Christmas.. She said she'd be here in time for the "January Jubilee"... Now she has no idea when they'll be able to make it and if it does happen it will be just her, not "lit'l one" or "boy wonder."  I'm so hurt.  And that's all I can say on that.

**"January Jubilee" is the celebration we have when we've had a slim Christmas due to lack of funds and so the kids get their big ticket items in January and we have a big dinner just like at Christmas, unwrapping of gifts, etc.** -

This year was a very slim Christmas for us.  I listened - unfortunately - to my lit'l sister when I got a big check come in and I paid off - as much as I could - all of my bills, the important ones in advance.  This left me with zero funds for Christmas.  Son #1 got a one day check.  Were it not for my Mother there would've been no presents under the tree this year.  So God Bless her.  She spent the night Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day and it was wonderful.. Like it should have been all those years.  I was happy that the kids and "lit'l one" had the experience of spending time with their Grandma and Great Grandma at Christmas.  I only had my Grandma for a very short time and I never met my Great Grandma.

I am no longer speaking to my lit'l sister.  We had a huge blow up and that is that.  I always knew her husband didn't like me and I never gave a shit but when she came out with, "C" said it was a big mistake moving you up here," that pretty much sealed it for me.  I said EVERYTHING I ever wanted to say and I was done.  It happened at my Mother's home and of course she chimed in and got a lot of things off of her chest concerning my sister as well.  I apologized to my Mother for the blow up and she said, "There's nothing to apologize for, it had to happen."  And she was absolutely right because Carol, as soon as it did I felt like a world had been lifted off of my shoulders and not only for me but for my kids, they were so glad to cut ties with her.  I know she's my sister but the relationship was toxic and it was harmful, not only to me but to my kids and ridding myself of it is what was best and I stand by that and for the rest of my life will. 

All of that being said... On the up side and I know after having explained the whole situation about my lit'l sister and cutting her off this will sound incredibly hypocritical but Carol I believe that situation was the catapult that sent me back where I needed to be.  I refer to it as coming "home" and I feel like I traveled the world in search of... Just to discover it was here with me all along..

Right after that blow up I decided that I was going to faithfully - key word, faithfully - keep a journal.  I began writing at 12:03am, Dec. 31st and I began writing my journal to God.  I poured out my heart and soul to him, sought forgiveness, prayed, asked for blessings and thanked Him.  At the time of that writing I was absolutely penniless - aside from the pennies in "lit'l one's" piggy bank and that is sacred, no matter what, that money never ever gets touched. -  Again, I was penniless.  We had already turned in all our bottles for gas days before and my check and son #3's checks - we get 3, mine for my disability and one for his SSI and then his for my disability - weren't due until the 3rd of Jan., the 6th at the latest.  Son #1's pay day was going to be the 2nd due to the holiday.  I wrote to God asking him to please bring money into our home.  I couldn't go to my Mother's, I had gotten stuck in her driveway the last time I was there and she had to call the plow guy to get me out.  I had no way to get funds and I had to get son #1 to work and I had no gas. 

Thus, the first miracle.. Keep in mind, I had asked God to please bring money into our home.  Keep in mind, I'm writing this at 12:03am. I closed my journal, said my prayers and went to bed.  I woke up at 7am and began my morning ritual.  Starting coffee, getting in the shower, running dish water for the night before dishes and then starting laundry.  All of these tasks must be done individually because this is an old house and you can't run water in the kitchen and the bathroom at the same time or do laundry and take a shower at the same time, etc.  So, I start the laundry.  The boys jeans and dark t-shirts.  I no longer stick my hands in the boys pockets looking for papers, pens, paperclips, etc. because more often than not all I find is whatever gritty crap and fuzzy crap is in there so now I just squeeze and squeeze I did, every pocket of every pair of jeans, primarily looking for homework or progress reports for son #3 and ink pens that son #2 is famous for leaving in his jean pockets.  Nothing, absolutely nothing in the jeans.  I toss the clothes in the machine and off I go to see what's happening on FaceBook, MySpace, CNN and the local yocals.  The clothes get done I put them in the dryer.  I go back to the news of the day.  I hear the first buzz.  I start the dryer again - I have an old washer and dryer set and it takes 2 go rounds for the clothes to dry. - An hour later I hear the second buzz.  I go and get the clothes, go into my room to fold them and watch "Bonnie Hunt" or "Ellen", whoever's on.  I start taking the clothes out of the basket to fold them and out floats a dollar bill.. I think to myself, hhmm, not sure how I missed that and I set it aside.  I pull another shirt out, another dollar bills falls literally into my lap.  Now I'm totally perplexed.  The t-shirts don't have pockets.. I pick up another pair of jeans, another dollar, another pair of jeans, another dollar and so on until I have enough money for gas to get son #1 to work.  And you have to know the more this went on the bigger my smile got and then I was literally laughing out loud, totally giddy and immediately picked up my journal and gave thanks to God.  CLEARLY this was His doing!  And I added a little note thinking, I need to be specific.. I wrote, "Please God, if you could provide funds into our home via our checks or however you see fit I pray for you to do so."  Because I still had to go pick #1 son up and I had no idea how that was going to happen. - FYI - It is officially New Year's Eve at this time.

The miracle continues....

It's now time to take #1 son to work.  We stop and get gas.  It's enough to get him there but as I said, not enough to come back home and then go back to pick him up so all the way to work I'm telling #1 son, you've got to talk to your boss today and explain to him our situation and see if you can get your check early, beg if you have to.  "I will Mom, no worries," he says.  I drop him off with a kiss and a prayer and head back home.

I get home, nobody home.  Son #3 had spent the night at a friend's and I assumed son #2 was at the library where he spends the majority of his time when he has absolutely nothing to do.  So, I'm home, I lock the door, I do that when I'm home alone and the thoughts of how I'm going to get son #1 are still weighing heavy on my mind.  I start picking up around the house, blah, blah, then I hear a knock at the door.  It's son #2.. He's standing at the back door with 3 envelopes pressed up against the glass.. ALL 3 OF OUR CHECKS CAME IN THE MAIL!  Carol I was in tears!  I couldn't believe it!  It still makes me cry.  We immediately headed out and cashed one and filled the vehicle up with a FULL tank of gas.  I could now get #1 son home!!!  Needless-to-say I was walking on clouds the whole day and again I went to my journal to give thanks to God.

And the miracles continue...

The day has gone on, I feel loved as I have never felt loved before in my life and now it's time to go pick up son #1 from work..  #1 son gets in the car with a HUGE smile on his face.  He says, "Mom, I have two surprises for you, one is in this pocket and the other is in this pocket."  And I'm like, "Okay..."  And out of the first pocket he pulls out a little slip of paper.  - Still smiling all the while. - "This," he says, "Is "Cutie's" phone number." - "Cutie is the little CHRISTIAN girl that started crushing on #1 son the moment he started working there.  "Cutie" is a ski instructor but also works in the lodge, she also volunteers at the soup kitchens and shares a passion for helping the homeless, as do I.  "Cutie" will be giving #1 son and "lit'l one" ski lessons for free."  Now the other pocket... From this pocket he withdraws an envelope.  "I got my check Mom," he says.  Again, I am a puddle of tears!  I'm like, "What?!"  He said it was so weird,  he took his boss aside and told him he needed to talk to him privately for a moment and before #1 continue, his boss said, "sure, c'mon in the office, I need to give you your check anyway."  #1 son said, "what?"  And his boss said, "Yeah, we got our checks early this year, usually we have to wait."   #1 son said, "I was just coming to talk to you about that..."

And thus, in a nut shell is the beginning of 2010, our year of miracles.  I pray your year will be filled with miracles as well Carol.  I pray for you always and I hope you will support me on my journey "home."

I love you.
Your BFF