TRIVIAL

Very trivial.... Been waiting all week for son #3 to go to a stupid graduation party so he could bring me home a piece of the graduation cake... In my mind I envisioned, store bought goodness, moist cake, THICK, fluffy, frosting... What did I get???? Dry, homemade with totally shitty THIN dry ass frosting!!!!

TODAY I HATE PEOPLE...

Just the mood I'm in today.. Started with going to the doc with #3 son, thru construction and half way out of my way only to boomerang back because son #3 didn't bring the ONE thing I asked him to remember, his medicine bottle so the doc could do the refill on it.. This would be his LIFE SAVING medication.. He can't remember the bottle but he can remember anything and everything that has to do with his "Flavor of the Month!"  I'm so fed up with him and his drama involving his girlfriends and/or friends.. Every girl is THE one.. Every girl he is madly, deeply, passionately in love with, every girl he must have sex with!!!  I have 2 grandsons already, I really don't need one from my 16 yr. old!!!  More to the point, I DON'T WANT HIM RUINING HIS LIFE!!!!! - My head hurts just thinking about it...
I also managed to offend my new boyfriend/fiance's daughter... How you may ask????  Simply by asking her HOW THE SUMMER JOB HUNT was going!!!!  She's 25 and never had a fucking job!!!!!!  I started working, technically, at age 11, striping parking lots with my neighbor across the street who had a striping company, 11 yrs. old, pushing and riding on those machines just keeping the line straight, ELEVEN MOTHER FUCKING YEARS OLD!!!!  I'm sorry if I thought MAYBE a TWENTY-FIVE YR. OLD MIGHT BE LOOKING FOR A JOB!!!!!!! - So, she deleted me and her Dad off of her FB account but we weren't the only ones.. Apparently she also deleted her Mom and her Mom's boyfriend too.. She just needs a break from all things parental right now... Seems to me she's had a break from all things parental her whole life!!!!  But who the fuck am I, what the fuck do I know???? - Again, my head hurts just thinking about it..
Unfortunately, my day has not been much better as I realize I can't make my bills.. I just can't, and every fucking time I turn around, something is higher, there's a new fee added... I'm just ready to be like my ex out in Alaska and live as a hermit, he has a house, he has vehicles, he shoots his own food, he doesn't work above board, he only has 3 bills.. I'm so with him.. Shows you what a shitty day I've had.. I'm actually agreeing with the son of a bitch who beat the fuck out of me and ran me over when I was 8 months pregnant...
Now I don't feel like talking to my boyfriend/fiance', not because of him... He is wonderful and kind and gentle.. He works, he has morals and values and truly is a man of honor... I just know me and talking right now would not be in the best interest of our relationship.. My mouth will open and the ugliness of the world that I'm feeling right now will come flying out and I don't want that directed at him.  He's done nothing wrong..
In other news, it's fucking hot and I don't like hot.. Granted it's not in the 90's like it has been, actually it's cooled down into the 70's but I've been standing over hot dish water, a hot stove, hot cleaning water.. I laid down to take a nap and dosed for about 30 minutes...
And, am I the only fucking person in this whole house that knows how to do laundry or sweep a floor?????
I'm done now... I just want to sleep...
Luv - Your BFF
P.S. - What would I do without you?????

lost without LOST

OMG! I just finished watching the series LOST. It lasted 6 years and made me cry many times over the years. Today's was much different, because it seemed like I couldn't quit crying. It helped that I started a marathon of watching all the LOST episodes that I have missed, meaning I had to watch 18 episodes in 2 days. It was well worth it to watch the finale and understand completely what was going on.

I feel like friends are gone never to return again. You become wrapped up with the characters and cheer and jeer them on through the seasons. With this last episode, it clearly showed that all the characters that were there, died and met in this place (at the end) where all of them could be together, because they had shared such a momenteous time in their lives together. They were happy to be together again, some meeting after many years of being apart.

WOW, the tears just keep rolling thinking about it. But it's good to cry, at least I am letting it out.

I am

Throughout my marriage my ex used to call me a worthless human being. I tried standing up and saying that I was a good mother, I was a good person, I was a good friend, but I couldn't be a good wife, not to him. I wanted to be a wife, not a mother of a 30 year old. I shouldn't ever have to tell an adult to take a bath, when it had been weeks from the last one.

It took only a phone call to #3 daughter to make me feel like the worthless mother I didn't think I was. I am tired of trying to please people. I have given my kids the best of what I could. It may not have been up the their expectations, but it was the best I had. Apparently I gave birth to mosquitoes that need to suck me dry. Not monetarily, but emotionally.

It's hard sometimes to stand on the sidelines and watch as life just passes by, more swiftly than ever before. It's not that I want to have some spectacular life, but I wish things were just, more easy. To have my health back, would be worth more than winning the lottery. Of course if I won the lottery, I think I could get back much of my health with money being spent at the right doctors.

Being a worthless mother has made me see, that I am in fact, a worthless friend, and not a very nice person. To be a good person you must care about others and it is kinda hard for me to get out of my own world, to feel something about someone else.

So there you go, I am what I am.

blah, blah, blah

I could go on and on about how crappy I feel, but what’s the point. Nothing has changed, so we will get out of the way. Work, too, is same old, same old. I am not happy that summer is here, because it just shows me how much I can’t do on my own. Pisses me off, but I have to say thank goodness for daughter #1, she has been a great helper. It was funny one day how she said she didn’t know what she would do without me, hahaha.


I was just a hair upset on mother’s day when I found out later in the afternoon, that daughter #3 was at the ex’s parent’s house. IT WAS MOTHER’S DAY FOR GOD’S SAKES! She didn't tell me she was going up there, she called once early in the  morning and left a message on the phone for me, but that was it.Oh but I was livid. I actually confronted her today in regards to it. She told me she was upset about something else and I jumped her, telling her that what she did, by being with the ex's family,  was paramount to me spending the day with the ex-boy toy she hated so much, on her birthday. She shut her mouth and didn’t say another word. Oh how the ex must have been gloating that she was there and not with me.

And then to kind of top it all, she drops off that dog that was so sick on Friday, she hasn’t been back to see it or take care of it. I have had to clean up diarrhea and vomit all over my house. It's not like I can bend over to clean up that great. Since the vet, though, he has gotten better, but that was a good couple of hundred out of my wallet. Now, #1 daughter has been over lots, especially when I am at work, to let him out, she helped take him to the vet, she has been there. Her boys love the dog, but he is a good dog, he actually talks to you too.

Sleep is almost nonexistent now. It’s getting harder and harder to sleep. And I am soooo dreading the hot weather that will be here coming this weekend. I have never been able to take naps during the day, now I can fall asleep at work during lunch, fairly easy. I even just gave in and took one of the many pillows my dad had here, to work.

The move will be here faster than I am ready for it. I am so not ready to get all that shit up here. I don’t want most of it, so I will really have to go thru the stuff.

Here’s a funny one, my mother showed up on mother’s day to help weed my yard, because I couldn’t do it. I was crying trying to pull weeds, I can’t get on the ground, I can’t bend over, I can’t squat, it sucks!!!

Well, enough whining from the fat chick…gonna go.

Your BBF

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY A.K.A. THANX BITCH! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

So today would've been my 18th wedding anniversary to the guy my best friend Carol introduced me to one late night at a dark n' dusty bar, location to be disclosed only as in, "the wild, wild, west."  And what a "wild" ride it was, thanx bitch!  And actually I do mean that, thank you.. I can't even imagine where my life would've gone, what I would be doing now, the people I wouldn't have met, the children I wouldn't have had!!! An unbelievable ride and altho I'm sure they're must've been some darkened alley ways along this path, I remember them not.. I only remember the sun shining so brightly, children near, friends so dear.. Why else would I be here???  I love you my BFF and forever will.

Reality check - I'm sick, go to the doc tomorrow, probably strep, ugh! My new boyfriend is tryng to pinpoint a time to see me and I get it but I'm not ready just yet and have no idea when I will be, perhaps after tomorrow, don't care about my weight, that why they make spanx but I'd like to get my teeth worked on..

I love you.. I feel like shit, we're shitty bloggers but we like it that way and everyone else can fuck off.. Not that we have any followers.. That may be another post... What the fuck peeps? We're not good enough to follow? Fuck y'all's!  Oooppss... Too ghetto... Hahahahahhahahaha!

my thoughts be jumbled, my words be true

   How is it that some people are so forgiving, so godlike, and then others feel the hatred deep within their bones, from the core of their being? How is it that you can turn the cheek if someone  does you wrong, when there is that place within that just wishes to retaliate? I cannot turn a check to things, my check seems to snap back, my eyes glaring even more intensely than they might have moments ago. I feel the need to make things "even", to make myself feel better about putting that person in their place.
   Oh how I hate liars! These are the people I truly wish to put in their place. They are the thieves of the truth, the murderers of what is right. To lie, to make themselves feel better--for what purpose? I truly do not understand the genetics, the why, the how-so of liars. Does it make one more respected to lie? Does it somehow ease suffering to lie? In what land, do liars wish to live? What person do liars achieve to be? It is not so much who they wish to be, but why they are hiding from themselves.
   There are so many people in the world who do wrong, knowingly. But how can we, as a people, as a people who can make change, a people that care for the suffering of others, how can we come together as one and stop the madness that surrounds us?
   I read news articles and wonder why?! Why did a 7 year old get sold by her step sister to be gang raped? Why do people prey on young children daily? Where is the strength of mind to know how horribly wrong the world is?
  One person can stand and say "This is wrong!", but that one person's voice is muted by the yelling of others asking for their rights, for equality, asking for something I had nothing to do with, but expect me and mine to pay for somehow. I feel the world heading for hell like place, forcing God to act. And maybe if God can take the wickedness, we can be a kinder, worthy people.

Spew forth random thoughts

   Sometimes the words seem to just clog my throat, cutting off the air to my brain, thus making writing totally out of the question. And yes February was such a month. Dying, moving, not knowing what is coming next. In the process of moving, now that was difficult, whereas before I only paid for phone, internet, satellite, car insurance, now I pay for rent, gas, electricity, new car, phone, internet, car insurance. I can't afford the satellite, but I am kind of loving the over the air high definition. AND I now have to pay for the gas to go back and forth to work, whereas before I lived right there by work. The things we give up to try to make it better for us. I will not be out of the first house until July, thus giving daughter #3 some time to be by herself. Which may be a good thing as we seem to be rubbing each other the wrong way lately.
   I feel like such a cripple as of late, I can't even do dishes without having to sit down on a chair at the sink to do them. Therefore, moving things in and out of the houses is next to impossible. I can't wait to get new knees, something I have been fighting for years to get. I think with the new knees, my life will become so much more independent and independence is what I crave for. I hate having to rely on other people.
   There was an insurance policy that I found and after talking it over with some people, it looks like it could be a pretty good amount of money. It will be in mother's name, but since talking with my sister and her brilliant idea of using that money to take a family vacation, I think mother will put it in a pool. She was willing to give it to the kids, but I do like the vacation idea. My problem, if I don't have the knees, I won't have the energy or will power to go do anything that requires any walking. AND, like I told my sister, I just am not giving up my fingerprints to big brother, so there will be no passport, thus no out of states vacation. But I want to keep the money in the states anyways. That is one of the reasons that I bought Ford, I am pro America.
   Well, the spewing of thoughts has ran out for now, so will say TTFN.
Your BBB

BEEN OVER A MONTH.. WHATEVER SHALL I POST?

February, was to be sure, a month of sorrow and sadness and I wish not to put it behind me but to carry it in my heart forever as I carry Jan. 07' in my heart forever... In my heart our Dad's are healthy and happy and all of the love they disguised or was buried under a life of "have to" or a life of coulda', shoulda', woulda', or even a life of, this is what I so choose, this pure love, this God given love, this life, their love, their lives will be with me always.  A source of strength, understanding and wisdom at our beck and call, we are the fortunate ones to have had these men in our lives and so with the sorrow and sadness and pain comes love and smiles of what was, what might have been, what now is and the occassional selfish tear that slides down our cheeks is forgiven..  We, you and I, despite what we thought growing up, were blessed with the exact Daddy's that we needed and for that, I am thankful and will be forever grateful.

March.. Still snowing here, how 'bout there?  Two oldest children still workin' their butts off.  Daughter starts U of M, Flint this Fall, very excited for her and very proud.  Oldest boy is "in love" again... And again.. And again... Boy child 2 is workin' like the dickens to find a job even to the point of volunteering his services to help set up a new clothing store in town, all the while proving to the manager - his soon to be boss - what a hard worker he is, dependable and all around nice guy.  Boy child 2 has also been continuing his trips to the local gym and he is is lookin' might fine.  It appears as tho the weight is just falling off of him, his face has cleared up, he has totally changed his eating habits and I couldn't be more proud.  Boy child 3 is studying for the ACT's.  His college of choice. BSU!  Now you know I can't just let my baby go off 2,000 miles all by himself... ; )

My whine for the week. - I hurt my back.  I have no idea how.  I woke up one morning and I was in excruciating pain, still am, despite my lame attempt at making some kind of pain killing cocktail out of valium and tramadol... Clearly it didn't work and thank God... Heath Ledger - God rest his soul - is not who I choose to be...

My ex-boss Tina called me a couple of days ago, HYSTERICAL.. I could barely understand her... She had come back from the dr.'s and she has cancer... She had pollups on her throat and I guess they did a biopsy right then and there and told her immediately that she has cancer.  I had to stay in the hospital forever and a year - okay, 4 days - while they biopsied me and poked n' prodded every oravice in my body to the point that I was charging tour fees!  Who knew you could get an answer in one day!  In any event, my friend has cancer and being a cancer patient myself I of course have not a clue as to what to do for her, primarily I think because I just wanted to be left alone... I never got hysterical once, not once.. I remember being eerily calm throughout the beginning stages and then just sicker than a dog throughout the rest and now all of my complaints of the side effects and it coming back but it's so weird to me how it affects different people in different ways.. She wanted me to tell her that it would be okay and I couldn't.. I don't have enough info. so instead I told her everything no one else was going to tell her, like she will be hanging onto her toilet more than she's ever hung onto any man in her life, her bed will become her home, the phone, the kids, family and friends, everyone is going to annoy the shit out of her at some point.  Most days she won't want to get out of bed but she must and she'll be under the total misconception that she can still do all that she used to do, she won't.  I told her that if chemo were needed to just go ahead and shave her head and save herself the devastation of having it come out in her hands in the shower or getting up from her pillow and leaving half of her hair behind, just shave it off.  For whatever reason, we women are attached to our hair to some degree, I believe it defines us as women, again, to some degree and to feel it, see it, all coming out.. I did cry for days and then I bucked up and had my nephew Garrett just do the deed.  Of course clumps of hair came out in his hands and he was horrified but being my nephew, he carried on and shaved me bald and then we took pictures.  He and I have the same shaped head.  I should put that picture on Ancestry.com.

My boy from h.s. and I are totally kaput and it's just too much bullshit to even go into here... This story will require a phone call..  What a total fucking waste... He has so much potential and 5 yrs. from now will be in the same place he is now... It's sad, it hurts, I miss him but it is not to be...

What's happening on your home front?  You know we're being losers at our own blog.  My ex-boss is blogging every day about her cancer... I think I wrote a total of 3 pages... I'm in the hospital, I think I have the flu. - No flu, they say it's COPD and they want to do a sleep study on me. - I have cancer...

Blog bitch!
Luv U!
BFF

I LOVE YOU...

I love you so much and am so sad for you... I wish I were closer... I'm so sorry and I don't think I can ever say that enough.  Your poem is beautiful... As are you.. And I know that your Dad is smiling, happy, healthy, looking down on you with pride in his soul for how blessed he was to have a daughter such as you in his life...  You are a blessing to us all Carol.

I love you.

BFF

My Daddy's Hands

Yours was a life, I was allowed to tend

Mine is the life that now must watch yours end.

Yours was the path, I could not follow

Mine is the path that now seems so hollow.

Yours is the love, I yearned for years

Mine is the love that now cries great tears.

You were my hero from such a young age

Sometimes gone from a home filled with rage.

I so craved to have you by my side

But when you did, I had to hide.

The demons that tracked you thru out your life

That caused such turmoil and caused such much strife.

To leave a family in search of peace

To shield you sorrow, beneath a turned leaf.

We just wanted to know who you were

A stranger to us you were like a blur.

To know you are gone, never to be seen

Only my hands, is all I have to lean.

For when I look down at my hands

I see the hands of a most important man.

I see my father, my hero from days gone old

My heart starts to warm coming from cold.

Our hands were like twins, when held together

And thru this life, these will keep us tethered.

Whenever I need comfort from you, my dad

I’ll look to my hands and forget to be sad.

• I was sitting with my dad yesterday in the hospital, with the girls when I said to them, look at our hands, meaning mine and dad's. I had seen this once before, when I was with him at a doctor's appointment, but our hands look the same. So when the girls saw this, they were like wow. So last night while I was sitting here, I thought I have to put it in words before I forget, as my mind is not much good for remembering.

love you

BBB

HEARTBROKEN FOR MY BEST FRIEND CAROL...

Dear Carol,
I am so heartbroken for you I cannot even put it into words...  I know how long it took you to get to this place with your Dad and to finally be in the moment of loving him, liking him, enjoying your time with him and yet watching as he slowly and painfully leaves this world... Yours is a pain no human being should ever have to go thru... My heart is breaking for you my best friend of so many, many years...  And I too stand helpless...

I love you so much.  I will be praying without ceasing for your Dad, you and your girls.. And I will be asking God to please let me carry this heartache for you...

For you, my dear sweet friend... I love you...


Your BFF

death at the door step

My dad is dying and I feel helpless. He is in acute liver failure and his mind is going. He went into the hospital on Valentine’s Day. Many years ago I asked him to work on an old Datsun car I own. He cussed up one side and down the other, because there were more than Datsun parts in the car; there was ford and vw and other Japanese cars, so he was very upset. The next day he had a heart attack. I never asked him for a favor after that, until last week. I got the new car, he came to see it, he actually sat in the car before I did. After he left he started feeling sick and came down with pneumonia. So maybe I carry a curse, because I don’t feel like he is pulling out of this one.


I didn’t have a father for many years, I finally got to meet this incredible man last year. Sure he had been around all those years, but he was always with his buddies, never at home. Now I got to be with him and I like this guy and I am going to lose him. This is killing me, I am so tore up, cuz I am not ready.

I can’t write anymore.

Fat chicks have Feelings too!

I get so sick and tired of going shopping and being treated like a leper in the 1950's. It seems that more people tend to make a path away from you, rather than stepping forward and being kind. This especially goes to clerks in the electronic departments and I mean at every store I have been to. I know, usually, what I want when I go to the electronics section of a store and there are always three to six people that are employed by the store, standing around. Went to Best Buy last weekend and there were actually six employees standing behind the little counter in the computer section of the store. Two were busy, it looked like training, but the other four were just standing there. So Tata and I are standing there and standing there and standing there. I was getting upset and started mumbling under my breath. That was until a young man approached the counter and one of the four that had been standing around, came forward to help the young man. I actually mumbled under my breath, “What am I, chopped liver?” I started get more and more vocal, until I finally walked away. So then Tata and I went to look at computers and I would have bought one, but….. Tata and I are standing in front of a computer, a Best Buy employee was on my left, he did not acknowledge us. When a man stepped up on my right to look at a computer, he pushed away from his stance and asked the guy if he needed help. I immediately walked away, saying that was their loss, cuz I would have bought a computer.


So our next stop was Walmart in Mtn. Home. Again, in the electronic department we were ignored until Tata went to get help. This store is notorious for ignoring me. I actually one time, almost broke down into tears because they so blatantly ignored me while I patiently waited. There was a young man that worked there, that I actually watched how he would avoid me at all costs. I have bought thousands of dollars worth of electronics from this store, being it is the closest to my home. Now that I have a new car, it won’t be that way anymore. Tata wondered at one point why they don’t have people in fat suits with cameras to see this behavior. It truly is appalling the treatment that I receive and I am nothing but kind with people in the service business, because I know that is a hard job. But I don’t believe they should have jobs, if they don’t want to do them; and helping me or someone else in my condition is a part of their job.

Feel my blood pressure going up, so I am going to sign off.

Love you

BBB

life is a highway and I am on it

You, my dear, are my dearest friend and confidant. I am so glad that you didn’t take offense to what I said, like I said, it wasn’t directed at you, but at the medical association in general.


So a media player is a little tiny box, probably 4x3x2 that read hard drives. You normally plug it into an external hard drive that you have put pictures, music, or movies. It reads theses and is connected to your television so you can see them there. OMG, I have a co worker that had one and he brought it to me to fix, the hard drive was a terabit and had over 1000 movies on it. I took as many movies off of his hard drive that I could, though most of them I already have. The movies are like a digitally copy, but in a different format. It’s pretty amazing.

I was debt free for a few days. Of course, I couldn’t keep it like that, so I went on line and was checking out my credit. It’s not the greatest thing in the world, but it wasn’t truly bad. So then I thought, which I do occasionally, why not see if I can get a new car. So I filled out an application. I fill them out about 1 or 2 times a year. That night (Wednesday)  I dreamed I didn’t get the car, which is no big thing, it’s not like I don’t have cars. So the next day I go to work and I get to thinking, hah, I wonder if my bank would give me a loan for 20,000? So I fill out another application. I get a couple of calls from the dealership where I filled out the application, then I get the call from them that I, in fact, did get the car. OMG OMG OMG, I had an instant heat flash, cuz I have been denied so many times, I wasn’t really thinking I was going to get it. Then an hour later, my bank also approves me for a loan. I couldn’t believe it. This all happened Thursday and I was going to wait till Friday to get the car, but the dealership asked me if I could come that day and pick it up, so I did.

KayKay, it is beautiful! It is a 2010 Ford Focus. Ford because they didn’t not participate in the bailout, they held their own and I applaud that enormously. It had 15 miles on it when I drove it out of the showroom. It is Blue Flame in color. Now some of the things in the car, I really didn’t want, but I had to get this car, cuz it was the cheapest with the four things I did want.

For starters, the wheels are premium, sporty. It has a spoiler on the back, fog lights, remote entry and security system. Power windows and locks, tilt steering wheel, heated leather seats, ambient lighting, cruise control, the cruise control and stereo controls are on the steering wheel. The stereo is premium sound with a huge sub woofer in the trunk, it is 6 cd changer, reads mp3, has sirrus, has a/c, back window defrost, heated mirrors, the mirror in the car changes when it has lights from another car begin hitting it. You can plug a usb port in as well as an mp3 player and two other plug in for additional things. The keys to the ignition are programmable so if you have kids you can program the car to their key to where they can’t go over 80 miles an hour and if they don’t buckle up the stereo stops working, there are other things too. The stereo system is also hooked into “sync” where your cell phone syncs with the stereo and it is all hands free. And then after the lady told me I had the car, she said oh yeah it has a sunroof! I did not know that. It’s an amazing car and I didn’t need half of what it has, but this car is so loaded, it’s not even funny.

Now I can drive down to get my grandson and not worry about breaking down. I also decided to give the KIA to Tata and now the eldest is pissed. I had spoken to them when I gave the eldest the Achieva that this is what was going to happen. But now she wants that car too, stating that she would pay me 1200 for it. I told her no, she started saying how unfair I am ( I have given her over 10000 dollars in cars and money for cars) so I finally said if a car is going to come between us, then the car just came between us and I hung up. I am not going to deal with it.

Well going to fly for now, I have to meet the eldest grandson here very shortly.

I love you more than you will ever know.

Your BBB

NO WORRIES MY FRIEND... I LOVE YOU TOO...

I totally understand your frustration with the medical insurance and preference of some and not others, others, you, who are just as deserving.  I thought it was unfair before I got sick, I think it is still unfair today, I am however overflowing with gratitude that I am able to do a few more things medically that I was not able to do but please, please, please know Carol... I would give all of these benefits back just to be cancer free again, to have feet that work, a mind that remembers, and I know that doesn't take away your pain and I wish that it did, you too, and all others, should be entitled to equal medical care and insurance coverage across the board. 

For the moment I am still continuing with Alli and it is working and I'm quite certain I'd have way more energy to do things were it not for the wee hours of the morn phone calls with "my guy"...  But what to do?  He works at a bar and doesn't get home until 2, 3 or 4am, depending on the night.  #2 son joined the local gym and he's losing weight and getting definition and he looks great...  I'd like to join myself but for the cost. 

And I totally understand your situation at work.. Seems like the more you do the more they give you to do because hell, if you can do that first bit of work, the next load oughta' be a breeze and you absolutely have every right to bitch about it.  A person can only do so much.. And I suppose it wouldn't be so bad were all that extra work to come with a raise, a simple thank you, a pat on the back, a few extra bucks in the Christmas bonus but more often than not, it doesn't..  And again, of course, absolutely, it is your right to bitch..  You're only one person..

I guess I don't know the media player you're speaking of.. What is it?  What does it do???

I'm so, so, so happy that you are debt free - if only for the moment - and am incredibly happy that you went on a carefree shopping spree!  Aren't those the best???  Especially when you have money to spend on yourself too!  And I'm quite certain Tata LOVES her new laptop!!!!  Good for you!!!!  You should celebrate yourself!!!!  You deserve it!!!

And your photos... Your family is absolutely GORGEOUS Carol.. Wow!!!  I don't think I've seen so many good looking people in one pic and I'm being serious!!!  Just beautiful...  I don't know who they all are or how they all interconnect but they are some great looking people!  I see Liz in a lot of your ancestors...

All is well here... Boy and Girl child #1 doing the same, workin', workin'.  #2 son is about to go to work with son #1, same schedule and everything so that is awesome... Son #2 also wow'd the crowd at open mic last night and got approached by a band and a gentleman from a club in Traverse City, both offering jobs...  Son #3's goal is to go thru one whole week without being grounded.. Lol.. He has a new girlfriend and he's still busy with his music.. Schoolwork, not so much but getting better.. Helps if you cut the guitar strings off his guitar, I've found that to be quite an attention getter.

I go in for a CT on Monday.  Enlarged nodes in my groin area - bleh.  We're still hoping for radiation only so keep your fingers crossed.

Won a few dollars at the casino this morn and that's pretty much it.. Christmas is still up but is coming down this weekend FOR SURE!!!!!!  - Wonder how many times I'll say that before it actually happens...

Signing off for now... Love you bunches..
BFF

weight lifting and laxatives!

I have been lax, as in laxative, about writing here. Many things are contributing factors. I have to say and don’t take this the wrong way, cuz I love you—I was a little upset when I read your post about the doctor being able to get you what you need in the way of weight loss. It really wasn’t about you, but a culmination of stories involving disability bound people and their benefits. I was also on a “feel sorry for myself” kinda jig. You know the whole schpeel about how I’ve been working my ass off for over 25 years, with one month of not working, sometimes working 5-6 jobs at the same time to make ends meet, and I can’t get my insurance to do anything. This wasn’t the only thing I was upset over. There were two other medical bills that I was absolutely pissed about. But I won’t get into that.


So another thing I have been doing in this time away from blog, someone showed me a device called a media player, which absolutely blew me away. I became obsessive over this device and it really consumed a lot of time. I actually obsessed over it until I finally went and bought one on Saturday. Since then I have still been working on getting the media player up and running. It is such a cool device and not one person I talked to knows anything about them. I absolutely think it will be the wave of the future.

Work really was taking a toll on me, the boss has been putting more and more on me, sometimes I feel weighted down, but then I become a weight lifter and start pumping the work out. The more I get done, the more he puts on me. I told him last week, when I was exhausted, that he had run out of favors for a while, but then I stop and think, I am being paid good money, great benefits (regarding housing and such) that I shouldn’t be bitching about anything. The money I make, I couldn’t make anywhere else.

So I got my taxes back 8 days after I filed, course with no dependents, it wasn’t a huge amount, but I was able to pay every single bill off, so I am debt free, for the time being. I bought Tasha a laptop this weekend, I bought clothes for work, I bought whatever I wanted, and it was kinda nice. 

My eldest cousin, whom I may not have met, got in contact with me, that is why I have been posting pictures on Facebook, she really wants to do geneology, so this should help her.

ttyl
BBB

ttyl

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY, COLTS OR THE AINTS?

Obviously from the heading you can see that I'm pulling for the Colts, just because I had to pull for one or the other and the Aints have never been one of my faves... I was so hoping for the Vikings...

We've had "lit'l one" for 3 weeks now.  First it was the idiots car and then she had strep for 2 weeks.. And today #1 son didn't get up and around in time to meet at the NEW time because the idiot got a different 2nd job.. So I just called her and told her I had a flat, we weren't going to make and we'll do it tomorrow.  I need 2 new front tires and I just didn't feel like driving like a bat out of hell to try to make some stupid deadline for the idiot seeing as how we've had "lit'l one" for 3 wks., she can wait one more day and to her credit, she was cool about it.

I don't know if you've seen the "Alvin & The Chipmunks" movie but we rented it yesterday and it has been on a continuous loop ever since... Really a cute movie and very funny.

Christmas is still up in my house... It will however be down this week.  #3 is going to be my slave child, he's not going to like it but he will be the one bringing up boxes and putting them away again.  Every weekend he has something to do.  Every day after school he has to stay for drama club.. This coming week and the following weekend he's mine.  Again, he won't like it but that's just the way it's going to be.

Still in contact with my guy from h.s., in fact we have talk marathons... I think our record is 2:30am-11:30am.. And enter guy #2 from h.s.... Hahahaha.. One of my brother's best friends.. He has a place up here, his daughter graduated with son #2, he's totally laid back, he hunts.. Definitely the better fit if I wasn't so hung up on guy #1 from h.s... Next time you're online I'll share with you who guy #2 is.. =)  I'm becoming frustrated with guy #1... Number one, he's still married.. Granted his wife has been gone for 3 yrs. and he claims there's no feelings there, his brother confirms this but my question is and forever will be, in 3 yrs. there couldn't of been a divorce at least started???  I found out this tidbit of info. when he filled out a FB survey.. One of the questions was, married or divorced?  I of course said, divorced, his answer was, on the way... I was like whoa... And he's like, I told you and I said no, you said she left, went to Cali and married someone else which is kinda' funny since she's still married to me.. And I said, and you were laughing the whole time so I thought it was a joke.  Then I told him, had I come to your town and ended up sleeping with you I would've been absolutely livid and we would've ceased being friends immediately because I don't knowingly do married men... And needless-to-say, our conversations haven't been the same since... I mean I've totally retreated... I feel like I'm spinning my wheels with him... I've talked to him about going back to school because he can't do security forever, he has no benefits, no 401k, no retirement plan.. He needs a career now.. Time to grow up I guess.. I don't know.. I really do love him but there's so much work involved and maybe if I were in my 20's things would be different but not now... Does that make me a bitch????  On the other hand guy #2 is an engineer, divorced - for real - for 14 yrs., owns his own home and is signing on a new one on Monday, moving closer to his kids, has a place up here, he's funny but I sense someone who would constantly be joking and that would drive me crazy..  Anyway, so that's my potential love life.. Comments???

The Alli is working fantastically well.. I've lost over 15lbs, probably over 20 at this point.. I've really noticed it in my clothes.. I need to get to exercising.. Finding something I can do is the key tho...  I'm definitely getting the gastric tho.

Not much has changed with the kiddos.  #1 son and daughter still working their asses off.  #1 son has connected in a big way with his half brother out there and they are now the gaming dynamic duo, they just love each other and I'm so happy about that.  #2 son is now a proud member of the local gym and works out fathfully every morning and night.  He has some goals for the Summer.  We finally got his birth certificate and social security card take care of, now he's waiting on his I.D. card so he can work.  He'll be working with #1 son in the kitchen and singing at the piano bar, so that'll be cool.  Son #3 continues to be my challenge with his all night drama practices, that he doesn't get home from until 7:30 at night, then he had the Winterfest dance, now he's practising with his "band" and he has a new play coming up that'll keep him after school again!  I've had it.. It's like he's not even part of this family anymore..

And that's pretty much what's been going on in my neck of the woods.  What's new with you n' yours??  I hope you're feeling better..
I love you bunches.
Your BFF

THIS, THAT AND THE OTHER

Dear Carol,
How are you?  Now that the cough has left, has anything else?  I hope - and pray - so.

Not much going on here.  That idiot ex-daughter-in-law of mine "said" her transmission on her vehicle went out so she kept "lit'l one" for 3 extra days and thought that we were just going to leave him there until she got her vehicle fixed - WRONG!  #1 son and I took that 3 hour drive into that bomb dive of a town she lives in, into the ghetto neighborhood she lives in, to pick "lit'l one" up and I did let her know in no uncertain terms that those 3 extra days would be made up at OUR discretion.  So, 3 hours there, 3 hours back, 6 hours round trip.. I was exhausted but not due to not feeling well, I'm actually feeling a lot better but because I stayed up waaaaayyyy too late and had to get up waaaaaayyy too early to get to the moron's house.

Remember my guy from h.s.?  Well, we finally connected.  Chatted for a couple of hours online and then he actually CALLED!  And we talked another 2.5 hours... He's still just as sweet as he ever was... So, let's see where this goes.  He lives in a part of town that I would never ever live in but I don't know that he'd leave his kids (grown) to come here.  We'll see.  In any event, it's exciting to have butterflies in my stomach once again.. Didn't think it would ever happen again.

Went to my dr. visit.  Did not do the whole sleep study thing since the Valium is helping tremendously.  Did tell the doc that I had to increase my dosage of Valium and then he increased it on my script.  Thought that was pretty nice of him.  I told him I'd like to be pill free by Christmas.  He said, barring any cancer issues, that it was an attainable goal.  Oh, and my weight loss tabs! 

So weird Carol, I told him I was concerned about my weight and that I knew if I could just get some of it off I would be able to at least walk.  I told him of my on going back pain that no previous dr. has ever addressed other than that idiot foreign oncologist who said that I probably had arthritis in my back - idiot. - Immediately my doc said, let's do gastric.  I was a little more than stunned because I thought that would be a last resort sort of thing but apparently when you're morbidly obese gastric is the number one choice.  So we discussed that a bit, I told him about the seminar you went to, we discussed the excess skin issue and he told me not to worrry about that.  It's removed by a plastic surgeon and I'm like but my ins. won't cover that and he said, they will if I tell them to.  So I was like cool but told him I didn't think I was really ready for the gastric, could we work our way up, so he prescribed Zenocal (sp) but he didn't know if it would be covered by my ins. - SURPRISE - it wasn't so he told me to get Alli instead, he said it's the same as Zenocal, so I did.  It was $50 for the start up kit but that sure as hell beats $415 NOT COVERED BY INSURANCE!  So, I'm on day 3 of Alli and it's wonderful.  First, no rapid heart beat, you don't feel like your scalp is crawling, it kills your appetite, sucks most of the fat out of your foods and excellerates your weight loss by 50%.  I've not had any of the side effects, i.e.; having to shit my life away or stand next to a bathroom just after eating or bloating gas.  However, when you do shit, you'll see all the fatty oils from your food floating on top of the water in the toilet, really gross.  The doc told me to keep my calorie intake below 1800 and at first I was shocked, I was like 1800 and he's like, that's not as much as you think.  Hell Carol on day one I ate around 1250 calories, haven't tallied yesterdays but I'm sure it's even less than that and today, well, so far all I've had is coffee.  I'm trying to do Weight Watchers - I already have all the books n' crap from when I was an actual member last year - while I do Alli but ya' know what the doc said?  He said the people who lose weight and keep it off only lose about 30-35lbs. a year.  I was like what?  He said, the weight didn't come on over night, it shouldn't go off over night. I really, really hope this continues to work.  I am so ready for this weight to be off and I was thinking, maybe my last 100lbs. I would do the gastric, what do you think.  100lbs. over weight is still morbid obesity. - And please know, I'm looking at this realistically, I'm thinking 2 yrs. down the road, ya' know?  Just in time for my class reunion too! =)  Ha!  Didn't think about that til just now.

So, to date, my daily meds are as follows:
MORNING - Cymbalta (60mg), 1 Tramadol (non-narcotic pain med.)
AFTERNOON - 1 Tramadol
EVENING - Valium (10mg), 1 Tramadol
THROUGHOUT THE DAY - 1 Alli capsule with breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Not too bad.  Now comes the oncologist and if all goes well with him I am home free Carol!  Still have the excruciating pain in my feet and groin area but the Tramdol helps somewhat and the Valium and Tramadol at night help tremendously.  I so want your pain to become managable as well.. Somewhere out there is a doctor who knows exactly how to help you and I am praying that you find him or he finds you! - I've been praying a lot lately and it's working!

THE KIDS -
#1 son is still busting his ass working at the lodge.  He had a date which ended horribly.  She told him she was still in love with her ex and that she really wasn't looking for a relationship.  I'm like, the bitch didn't know that BEFORE #1 took her lame ass out?!   So of course, #1 son does what every man does, goes out and gets a piece of ass from some other chick that drools over him every time he walks by..

My Princess is doing wonderfully well altho I do believe the shine has worn off the apple as far as her future in-laws are concerned.  Apparently they're good for cash flow but not much else.  She's going to school full time, in fact this Fall she'll be going to U of M, Flint, and of course she's working full time, hangin' with the fiance' and tending to "lit'l one #2."

#2 son finally got his s.s. card in the mail so he can now find himself a job AND go to school!  He's so excited Carol! - I told you the whole issue.  When he was adopted, a new birth cert. was produced reflecting his adoptive name but his social security card never got changed over. - He is just over the moon with happiness.  Now to find a job and apply for financial aid!

#3 son... The challenge of my life Carol.  I love him soooo much but he is so mouthy and so disrespectful.  We got into a doozie of an arguement the other night and I ended up ripping every piece of jewelry he was wearing, off of him and throwing it into the fireplace and then I made him go in and wash that guy liner off and I told him to get ready because I was going to get the clippers and shave that head of his. - I didn't shave his head, he's lucky. - Needless-to-say, he's grounded.  He has 6 classes and he's failing 3 of them.  He'll be going to Summer school and if that doesn't work he will be a "super senior" and I don't care.  He WILL graduate.

I still have all of my inside Christmas decorations up.  I think I'll start taking them down after "lit'l one" goes back on Sunday.  I'm totally ready to start some Spring cleaning!  Okay, maybe not quite but I definitely need these decorations down.. They're almost as big a pain in the ass to take down as they are to put up!

I have nothing on my agenda for the day except house cleaning.  #3 son is coming down stairs and he's going to ask for a ride to school and I for one am not doing it, it's too damn cold out there.  He can wake #1 son and get him to do it. - Hahahaha, #3 son comes into the living room and says, "never mind."  I was like, "never mind what?"  He says, "well I was gonna' ask "#1 son" to drive me to school today but he's with "lit'l one."  I was like, "so, you can ask."  Apparently #1 son said no.  #3 son is now lying on the couch.  He's going to ask me and I too am going to say no and then right up until he walks out the door all I'll hear is huffing and puffing.  Whatever, the bus stop is right down the road, he chooses not to go to that one, he chooses to walk across town.  Not my problem.  He could walk 2 houses down but he says they don't pick him up there.  I said, "yes they do, I called." - Silence.

Okay, I'm outta' here.  Luv you bunches and hope your pain subsides.. BTW, GREAT pic of your #2 girl child on FB.  She really is BEAUTIFUL..  As is "TaTa..." ; )  Luv U!
Your BFF

I SO GET THE MEDICAL BULLSHIT!

There has got to be a better way, a better plan, a more affordable plan for people to have decent health care and insurance!  Bump my cable bill up, raise taxes on smokes and alcohol, GIVE HEALTH INSURANCE TO ALL WORKING AND THOSE WHO AT ONE TIME DID, WORK - AMERICANS!!!!!!  FREE OF CHARGE!!!  Just sort of as a THANK YOU FOR BEING A PRODUCTIVE MEMBER OF SOCIETY!!!!  Cut the cable in prisons.  Cut everything in prison except for food, shelter and clothing, period.  START KICKING THE ABLE BODIED LOSERS OFF OF WELFARE!!!!!  STOP GIVING THE ILLEGALS HAND OUTS!!!  As you can see this whole insurance issue annoys the fuck out of me as well!  Medicare won't cover all of my medical costs so I have to apply for welfare to get the medicaid coverage that WILL cover what Medicare won't.  How fucking stupid is this??  I have cancer for fuck sake!  Can I just have one card to cover my meds, biopsies and chemo????  And the answer to that is no I fucking can't BUT IF I WERE AN ILLEGAL I COULD!!!!  I COULD HAVE EVERYTHING HANDED TO ME!  It's ridiculous and I'm sorry that you're going thru this bullshit.. I'm sorry that you're in so much pain... I wish so much I had a magic wand to wave over you and make it go away you know I would do it in a heartbeat!

It's the weekend and I have no plans except to clean house.  I was hoping to have had all of my Christmas stuff down but I don't, I was concentrating on my room instead.. I thought maybe if I totally organize it I'll sleep better and of course in attempting to organize I've made an even bigger mess - ugh!

We have "lit'l one" on Sunday and I'm always happy to see him.. He just brightens my whole world and is so healing to my soul.

#1 son got back into the dating pool and went down in flames.  She told him that she was still in love with her ex boyfriend and she liked rock n' roll guys. - Whatever. - So of course son #1 has moved on to someone else...

Son #2 is waiting on his social sec. card that reflects his adoptive name so he can get out and get a job.  He so wants to move on with his life and this little snag is preventing his progress and with each day he becomes more and more irritable and I don't blame him.  This was supposed to have been taken care of at the time of the adoption but whatever...

Son #3 is still Mr. Attitude all the way and I for one cannot wait until he gets out of this phase.. It's so draining to argue with him every single day and night....

My daughter is doing wonderfully well. I need to post another album on FB, she has more pics..  I miss her so much..  So, so, so, so much... She said I could come live with her and just let the boys take over this house, with Wes and Brian both working they ought to be able to do it..

I finally located a local organization that helps the homeless so I signed on for that.. I'm beginning this month to put together kits and I'll start making my quilts next week.  I'm excited about this and it makes me feel good.

The earthquake in Haiti is totally heart wrenching to me... Those poor people... We have a million beautiful islands... Give them one, help them build their country again!  And I was so pissed when I saw on CNN, some spokespeson from the White House say, "we need to assess the situation and see what the needs are."  FUCKING REALLY?????  How 'bout this... EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!  Their needs are everything.  And I too, am keeping them in my prayers.

Onto laundry.  I love you and I hope you feel better soon...
BFF

ALL NIGHTER

**Obviously something I started and never finished back in Dec. so enjoy the read I guess..** (Where the fuck is my head???)

Dear Carol,
I haven't been to bed yet, have no plans to go.  Didn't take my meds specifically for this reason, knew I'd be up all night tonight.  Got a little behind on the Christmas decorations.. I have boys that must be supervised otherwise nothing gets done, or at least done as I ask for it to be done, half assed, haphazzardly, totally opposite of what I've asked, yes, but not done as I ask and then of course they all get pissed when I ask, ask mind you, for them to do it as I had initially asked.. I tell them I appreciate their efforts, it's not like I'm a raving bitch about it, at least not the first four times I ask and vow my undying love, devotion and appreciation for all they have done.. Anyway, still decorating...  Then I've got to gather everything else - all the boxes n' stuff that need to go down in the basement - and pu them by the basement door and then leave a note to remind one of them - #2 son has volunteered - to actually put the stuff down in the basement because trust me, it will get shuffled all over the kitchen, until I get pissed enough and open the basement door myself and just throw it down, because apparently that's the kind of bitch I am.  They always say that I always yell at them, I say, it's the only time you do what I ask.  I ask and ask and ask, finally I'm at my wits end, raise my voice and they all get pissed and I'm the bad guy.  I just don't get it.

Ugh - My least favorite Christmas song EVER is now playing... Feliz Navidad... CANNOT STAND THAT SONG.. And coming in a close second is Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer...

Got the tree almost done.. I'll be fiddling with that thru next year!  Small table - done - all snowmen, one silver Christmas tree, lights and a candle.  Still working on the china hutch and dining room.  The mantle is finished.  All outside lights are done.  Son #2 doesn't like that they're all white lights, nor than I have a GIANT star on the house, 2 small stars in the windows and one of those swirly front yard light trees with a little star on top of that.  He also doesn't like that my tree in total contrast has colored lights.. He said the white lights should've been on the tree since my theme was snowmen, blue, white and silver... The colored lights should be outside for everyone else to see.  I told him, when he gets his own house he is more than welcome to decorate however he chooses.. In my house I decorate for Seth, period.  Seth likes to see the stars outside and all the pretty lights inside.  I have to hang a couple of wreaths out in the sunroom and one in the foyer - sounds so grand.. it's the little room off of the sunroom with stairs leading up to the boys domain.

Made a fresh pot of coffee, tastes so yummy..  Thinking about going out and getting "lit'l one's" Mom a Christmas present.. I so don't want to spend one penny on her.. Okay, I won't.  Issue resolved.  If only they were all so easy.

Need to get the rest of my Christmas cards made out this morning too otherwise everyone's will be late.. I hate doing that and yet it seems every year I do.. Stupid..

Health, wealth, happiness--they don't live here!

The coughing finally has ceased to exist!!!!!! But it was not as if I could enjoy it, oh, no, that would have been to easy. No, now my throat is swollen, my head is congested, the nose is running, I can't talk. So I go to the doctor today. She walks in the door, the first thing out of my mouth was that I think I should have a running appointment weekly, as I have been seeing her so often. She laughed and said yes we have been seeing each other alot.
Then I asked about the ompa loompas wanting to know where they were and when they were going to start juicing me. She kinda looked at me with "hello, is anyone there?" look. I said I was feeling like Violet from Willy Wonka and that my body was blowing up so fast that it needed to be squeezed thoroughly to get the juices out of it. My body hurts like someone has wrapped my body in clear wrap, and yet my body is still expanding. It doesn't have any where to go. My face hurts, probably from the big fucking roll under the chin pulling my skin down, making my eyes close from the strain of the pulling.
I got a call from a collection agency the other day, I was livid. Of course it is from medical bills, always are. I have never went to collections for anything else. I hate the health system here. I mean for fuck's sake, to get an xray now, you go in, they put you in place, place that black board under you, flip a switch, and then take a pic. Okay from here it goes into a computer, not like the technician has a lot to do, but wait! It's going to cost you $500 for a ten minute procedure. Am I pissed? Fuckin A! And to top of the shit, I had paid $100 five days earlier to said establishment. But now that it is in collections, they apparently don't talk. I got upset on the phone, then started to cry and told the lady, as much pain as I was in, I could live off of disability, but no, I want to work, so let's fuck me! She was very understanding, but it wasn't like she could do anything.
Maybe when the cloud disappears around my head, I will feel happy, but so long as I feel like shit, fuck it! I'm going to stay nasty.
Pray for the poor souls in Haiti, what a shame!
love ya
BBB

THE DOG WITH WORMS...

HYSTERICAL!  I've used it in just about every phone call since you posted it!

I feel like hell.  My own fault.  Once again over some stupid guy - I feel like I'm in high school - oh that's because the guy I'm speaking of is from my high school days! - I don't quite hate him... YET! - Anyway, you know the one.. He was gonna' call on Fri., never did, then he posted that he kept missing me on and he'd call on Tues., never did.  So what stupid thing do I do??  I stay up til 5am to catch him on and guess what?  He wasn't on ONCE!  I don't know what he does for a living but he keeps odd hours and today, this morning, he's fucking annoying!   I can barely see to type this so you really shoulda' seen me driving #3 boy child to school, which he insisted upon and I'm like why, he says, oh I have to work on a project on Powerpoint, I'm like, oh, you mean do catch up work and he says no, it's not catch up work and I'm not the only one.  I was like, I don't care abot everyone else, when was or is this work due???  He says, last week.  And the viscious circle begins again, oh, so this is catch up work?!

I'm supposed to go to the doc today and that's definitely not happenin'!  I'm also supposed to go over to my Mother's - she wants to get out of the house, I get it - but I don't see that happen' either!  So, I just called my doc's office and rescheduled for Monday and they tell me they still haven't received my records from my neurologist down state and that they sent off for them on Dec. 9th.  To which I respond, "Oh that's because that dr. has some girl working at the front desk with a closed head injury." - WTF? - Just flew out of my mouth! Awkward silence on the phone for a moment and then I apologize and my docs office girl sorta' giggles and says, "that's okay.."  I'm quite certain when we hung up she was thinking that I was the one with the closed head injury!

Oh and about your UFO sighting, I saw the same thing a while back just before Thanksgiving.  I was sitting outside having a smoke - it was still warm enough - and I saw them and they just sorta' stayed put for a minute, long enough for me to yell inside to boy child #2 to come out and look - he's fascinated by UFO's - and it was amazing and not only amazing everyone was calling into the radio stations and the flight towers wanting to know what what going on and there were no planes in the area that night at that particular time.  So no, I don't think you're nutso, I absolutely know for a fact we're visited often, if not daily.

Okay, I really can't see now.  Talk with you later.  Luv U.
BFF

Interesting sight

Thought I saw a UFO night be last. Not justone but at least 5. I was heading into town, when to my left over the lake I saw 5 perfectly aligned yellow/orange lights. They moved around, but would always come back t the alignment. I shook it off as maybe AF planes. So I went into town and was on my way back when two of the "planes" went over head. Yes tis time they were planes, they had the red blinking lights on the underside. But then I got to thinking, I have never seen a plane with like an orange light, okay it could have been afterburners, but when the orangish light was not on, I did not see the red lights from the underside.
UFO or mind fuck? Who knows.

Rambles, shambles

I love the pics on FB you put up, you actually have a chin, I am so jealous!
People do suck! They make promises they don't keep, I don't hold my breath for anyone anymore. It sucks my body has taken a turn for the worse, it makes me realize how much stuff I used to do without asking for help, now I just let things lapse, like a hoarder, overwhelmed by the mess and no where to start.
I hate most men, Tata's father has finally decided he wants to be a part of her life. You want to talk about pissed off! I am so livid over that, I hate him so much, he will never understand how much I hate him. Really? Twenty years later you finally want to be involved? What are you fucking stupid? What a fucking prick! I rembmeber when Tata used to pack her bags by the front door waiting for him, not wanting to do anything else, except sit there and wait for him. I think men like that actually deserve to have their balls removed and not surgically! They do it to one child, they should never be able to have another child. I sometimes think that America should be like China and only allow one child per person. First, we would cut down on the welfare scheming going on. Once the child is born, I think there should be some way to nueter both parents of the child. So hey! You have no choice but to either love that child or never have a child's love in your life. Hah!
It is sad how other people can control our emotions and they don't even realize they do it. I ramble.
I have to say something chipper, okay here goes. I was talking to Tata the other day about how we say goodbye when leaving someone. I have a habit of saying some phrases when I feel silly. I am going to list some for you and then tell you something when I am done.
I'm going to be like a baby and head out.
I'm going to be like a tree and leave.
I'm going to be like a ball and bounce.
I'm going to be like a banana and split.
***so I made up he next two***
I'm going to be like a rocket and take off.
***or my favorite---
I'm going to be like a dog with worms and scoot!***isn't that just sick, but I love it. Even my boss today liked it so much he was going home to use it on his wife. I don't know why the word scoot flashed and then I pictured a dog dragging it's butt across the grass. Tata thought I was gross!
Okay enough rambling.

I HATE THIS ASSHOLE TOO!

Son #1 and only daughter's biological Father was in town and never bother once to pick up the phone and even make an attempt to see either of them.  Daughter has no contact or interest but #1 son does/did and then I'm looking at the asshole's other daughters FB pages online and they've posted pics of him spending Christmas with him.. AND the ex-wife, mother of those daughters who is also on my FB friend's list, who is forever going on and on and on about how she hates him and how he beat her daughters, etc., etc., etc.  She actually allowed him to stay at her house! - For the girls... -  Fucking whatever...

I'm with you Carol.  I hate people, they're all such fuckers.. And I in no way blame the girls.. That is their "Dad" but he is and will forever be the biggest asshole to hit planet earth and the ex-wife, after everything she told me about him, what he did to her, how he put his hands on her children... I have no use for her either..

Why does any of this matter, whey does it still piss me off??  Why are my kids not good enough to visit or call???  He's a fucker and I hope he dies a slow painful death and the upside to this is that he looks amazingly fucking old now, hahahahaha, king of fucking around.. Not too much of that happening now is there ya' wrinkled up, saggy balled prune!

I HATE HIM

I hate him and I blocked him from my Facebook.

Wow, I'm mature.

I don't care.  He broke my heart and I'm sad.

2010 - THE YEAR OF MIRACLES

Happy New Year!  Your Christmas sounds like it went smoothly, albeit, the shoe was on the other foot this year as you found yourself not working and "Tata" working her lit'l heart out. 

I am very sorry to hear that you are in so much pain - still.  I would almost want them to remove my knee and replace it with whatever is medically available these days, even if that meant turning you into a "Bionic Woman" of sorts, which, in and of itself would be awesome.

My house is silent.  I just came back from taking son #3 to school.  He had to be there early to catch up on the homework he obviously hasn't been doing.  6 classes and he's failing 3.  I about blew a gasket.  I'm attempting "tough love" but it's not working so of course I threatened him with sending him out to live with his Dad for his Senior year if he doesn't get it together this year.  I am at my wits end...  I tell #3 to go left, he goes right, I say no phone or inet, he sneaks it anyway.  His mouth runs non-stop in such a disrespectful manner, even son #1 had to step in and tell him that that is not how he talks to his Mother.  I am in the parenting home stretch why must this last child be so difficult?  We argue every day and I just don't like it.  I love him so much...

Son #1 and "lit'l one" are sleeping soundly and son #2 is about to get up and get ready so we can go to the social security office.  Finally he is able to get a social security card that matches his birth certificate.  When he was adopted the original birth cert. was destroyed and a new one issued, what was not issued was a new social sec. card so he hasn't been able to fully register for school or work, the social sec. number keeps getting kicked back because it's under his birth name.  Today we will remedy that and son #2 will be walking on sunshine and I will have one less stress/worry/issue to listen to.

I think I've been duped by my daughter and I am hurt so badly by this.  They couldn't come down for Thanksgiving for some reason, I don't even remember, she said we'll be there for Christmas... They didn't make it for Christmas.. She said she'd be here in time for the "January Jubilee"... Now she has no idea when they'll be able to make it and if it does happen it will be just her, not "lit'l one" or "boy wonder."  I'm so hurt.  And that's all I can say on that.

**"January Jubilee" is the celebration we have when we've had a slim Christmas due to lack of funds and so the kids get their big ticket items in January and we have a big dinner just like at Christmas, unwrapping of gifts, etc.** -

This year was a very slim Christmas for us.  I listened - unfortunately - to my lit'l sister when I got a big check come in and I paid off - as much as I could - all of my bills, the important ones in advance.  This left me with zero funds for Christmas.  Son #1 got a one day check.  Were it not for my Mother there would've been no presents under the tree this year.  So God Bless her.  She spent the night Christmas Eve and all of Christmas day and it was wonderful.. Like it should have been all those years.  I was happy that the kids and "lit'l one" had the experience of spending time with their Grandma and Great Grandma at Christmas.  I only had my Grandma for a very short time and I never met my Great Grandma.

I am no longer speaking to my lit'l sister.  We had a huge blow up and that is that.  I always knew her husband didn't like me and I never gave a shit but when she came out with, "C" said it was a big mistake moving you up here," that pretty much sealed it for me.  I said EVERYTHING I ever wanted to say and I was done.  It happened at my Mother's home and of course she chimed in and got a lot of things off of her chest concerning my sister as well.  I apologized to my Mother for the blow up and she said, "There's nothing to apologize for, it had to happen."  And she was absolutely right because Carol, as soon as it did I felt like a world had been lifted off of my shoulders and not only for me but for my kids, they were so glad to cut ties with her.  I know she's my sister but the relationship was toxic and it was harmful, not only to me but to my kids and ridding myself of it is what was best and I stand by that and for the rest of my life will. 

All of that being said... On the up side and I know after having explained the whole situation about my lit'l sister and cutting her off this will sound incredibly hypocritical but Carol I believe that situation was the catapult that sent me back where I needed to be.  I refer to it as coming "home" and I feel like I traveled the world in search of... Just to discover it was here with me all along..

Right after that blow up I decided that I was going to faithfully - key word, faithfully - keep a journal.  I began writing at 12:03am, Dec. 31st and I began writing my journal to God.  I poured out my heart and soul to him, sought forgiveness, prayed, asked for blessings and thanked Him.  At the time of that writing I was absolutely penniless - aside from the pennies in "lit'l one's" piggy bank and that is sacred, no matter what, that money never ever gets touched. -  Again, I was penniless.  We had already turned in all our bottles for gas days before and my check and son #3's checks - we get 3, mine for my disability and one for his SSI and then his for my disability - weren't due until the 3rd of Jan., the 6th at the latest.  Son #1's pay day was going to be the 2nd due to the holiday.  I wrote to God asking him to please bring money into our home.  I couldn't go to my Mother's, I had gotten stuck in her driveway the last time I was there and she had to call the plow guy to get me out.  I had no way to get funds and I had to get son #1 to work and I had no gas. 

Thus, the first miracle.. Keep in mind, I had asked God to please bring money into our home.  Keep in mind, I'm writing this at 12:03am. I closed my journal, said my prayers and went to bed.  I woke up at 7am and began my morning ritual.  Starting coffee, getting in the shower, running dish water for the night before dishes and then starting laundry.  All of these tasks must be done individually because this is an old house and you can't run water in the kitchen and the bathroom at the same time or do laundry and take a shower at the same time, etc.  So, I start the laundry.  The boys jeans and dark t-shirts.  I no longer stick my hands in the boys pockets looking for papers, pens, paperclips, etc. because more often than not all I find is whatever gritty crap and fuzzy crap is in there so now I just squeeze and squeeze I did, every pocket of every pair of jeans, primarily looking for homework or progress reports for son #3 and ink pens that son #2 is famous for leaving in his jean pockets.  Nothing, absolutely nothing in the jeans.  I toss the clothes in the machine and off I go to see what's happening on FaceBook, MySpace, CNN and the local yocals.  The clothes get done I put them in the dryer.  I go back to the news of the day.  I hear the first buzz.  I start the dryer again - I have an old washer and dryer set and it takes 2 go rounds for the clothes to dry. - An hour later I hear the second buzz.  I go and get the clothes, go into my room to fold them and watch "Bonnie Hunt" or "Ellen", whoever's on.  I start taking the clothes out of the basket to fold them and out floats a dollar bill.. I think to myself, hhmm, not sure how I missed that and I set it aside.  I pull another shirt out, another dollar bills falls literally into my lap.  Now I'm totally perplexed.  The t-shirts don't have pockets.. I pick up another pair of jeans, another dollar, another pair of jeans, another dollar and so on until I have enough money for gas to get son #1 to work.  And you have to know the more this went on the bigger my smile got and then I was literally laughing out loud, totally giddy and immediately picked up my journal and gave thanks to God.  CLEARLY this was His doing!  And I added a little note thinking, I need to be specific.. I wrote, "Please God, if you could provide funds into our home via our checks or however you see fit I pray for you to do so."  Because I still had to go pick #1 son up and I had no idea how that was going to happen. - FYI - It is officially New Year's Eve at this time.

The miracle continues....

It's now time to take #1 son to work.  We stop and get gas.  It's enough to get him there but as I said, not enough to come back home and then go back to pick him up so all the way to work I'm telling #1 son, you've got to talk to your boss today and explain to him our situation and see if you can get your check early, beg if you have to.  "I will Mom, no worries," he says.  I drop him off with a kiss and a prayer and head back home.

I get home, nobody home.  Son #3 had spent the night at a friend's and I assumed son #2 was at the library where he spends the majority of his time when he has absolutely nothing to do.  So, I'm home, I lock the door, I do that when I'm home alone and the thoughts of how I'm going to get son #1 are still weighing heavy on my mind.  I start picking up around the house, blah, blah, then I hear a knock at the door.  It's son #2.. He's standing at the back door with 3 envelopes pressed up against the glass.. ALL 3 OF OUR CHECKS CAME IN THE MAIL!  Carol I was in tears!  I couldn't believe it!  It still makes me cry.  We immediately headed out and cashed one and filled the vehicle up with a FULL tank of gas.  I could now get #1 son home!!!  Needless-to-say I was walking on clouds the whole day and again I went to my journal to give thanks to God.

And the miracles continue...

The day has gone on, I feel loved as I have never felt loved before in my life and now it's time to go pick up son #1 from work..  #1 son gets in the car with a HUGE smile on his face.  He says, "Mom, I have two surprises for you, one is in this pocket and the other is in this pocket."  And I'm like, "Okay..."  And out of the first pocket he pulls out a little slip of paper.  - Still smiling all the while. - "This," he says, "Is "Cutie's" phone number." - "Cutie is the little CHRISTIAN girl that started crushing on #1 son the moment he started working there.  "Cutie" is a ski instructor but also works in the lodge, she also volunteers at the soup kitchens and shares a passion for helping the homeless, as do I.  "Cutie" will be giving #1 son and "lit'l one" ski lessons for free."  Now the other pocket... From this pocket he withdraws an envelope.  "I got my check Mom," he says.  Again, I am a puddle of tears!  I'm like, "What?!"  He said it was so weird,  he took his boss aside and told him he needed to talk to him privately for a moment and before #1 continue, his boss said, "sure, c'mon in the office, I need to give you your check anyway."  #1 son said, "what?"  And his boss said, "Yeah, we got our checks early this year, usually we have to wait."   #1 son said, "I was just coming to talk to you about that..."

And thus, in a nut shell is the beginning of 2010, our year of miracles.  I pray your year will be filled with miracles as well Carol.  I pray for you always and I hope you will support me on my journey "home."

I love you.
Your BFF

2010 is here

The new year has started, but I made no resolutions. I don’t know how I could make any when I don’t feel good enough to actually go thru with them. I am hoping this year to start feeling better than what I felt in the last 4 months of 2009. I have been really medicating myself for sleep lately and it seems to be working a little. I am hoping this three day weekend with put a stop this sickness.


I thought I would get to see the eldest grandson this weekend, but it was not to be, his dad is stuck in Seattle. So sleep is the word instead. Tata has taken off for Meridian for a day or two, so it is very quiet, I’ve had three naps so far and it is only 3:30 in the afternoon. I am still a wee bit tired, but feel more awake right now then I have in the last couple of months. It’s been a Rocky-thon on tv, so I have been drifting in and out of that. Now on Rocky V.

Everything here going okay. Snow comes and goes. Have an inch then it is gone in a matter of hours. Roads have been slick, more icing here than anything. People are so stupid when it comes to a little different state on the road.

Well, gonna go, ttl.

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