Happiness is truly a state of mind.

I am jamming out today, listening to Lady Gaga, Muse, Carrie Underwood, among some. Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance takes me back to the disco days and I have to say I really enjoyed the shit out of those days. Carrie Underwood’s Cowboy Casanova makes me want to get better and go dancing and you know I hate country music. But this makes me move my head and pout my lips, giving me attitude. Now Muse’s Uprising makes me want to jump up and down on the bed and just gets me feeling young. Not that I have the ability to jump up and down on the bed, but it’s a great thought in my head. Yesterday I sat around, at night, and cried listening to Bob Seger. God he brought back great times in my life. I so miss those days. I was fun back then, I loved, I lived, I felt alive.

Not anymore, my knees are pretty swollen; thus no jumping. Hell, I can barely walk. Yesterday I spilled some nut shells on the floor and about died trying to pick them up. I had to use my cane to lean on and then I felt like the big bad wolf in 3 little pigs. I was a huffing and puffing, but instead of blowing anything (damn!), I about passed out.

The coughing is as bad, I cough so hard I see black. If not pure black, then I see black stars and I get real woozy for a few seconds. Blah! My ribs sometimes feel like I am breaking them when I cough, it hurts so bad. But enough of my wa-wa. I am still napping whenever I can, today I got up the first time at 10:45 and was back to sleep at around 1 until 5:30. I couldn’t even get enough energy to go to the big city today. Thank god all my Christmas shopping is done, I wouldn’t be able to do anymore. I am not going back to the doctor until next year, and no thanks on the valium, I am trying to stay awake, not crash for 24 hours.

I hate thinking that I am never going to get better, all the way around, including the knees. I hate thinking I may never get out of my bedroom, other than going to work. I hate thinking my life is basically going to be what it is now, until I die. There is no real happiness, I laugh, I smile, but I don’t feel, you understand? I think in some ways my heart feels broken or empty.

Let me tell you, money does not buy happiness. I have money now, I am not happy. I am not talking about millions, but I am very comfortable, compared to how I have lived the last 30 years. I want for nothing, I lack for nothing. I had more fun when I was pooooooooor trying to figure out how my finances were going to be paid. Weird! Happiness really is a state of mind and my mind can't seem to grasp that. I am happy at work, cuz other people are bummed, so I am trying to bring them up, but when I get home, again, I feel nothing.

I am stopping now, can't go on.

Love you

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